Time to call in….

Mr Potts: Morning Barry, Morning Lorna and Gavin

Barry/Lorna/Gavin: Good morning Mr Potts

Mr Potts: I have called this meeting together because Head Office has sent us some consultants to work on efficient business process improvement. This is Mr Turnbull

Xavier: Call me Xavier please, thank you Mr Potts, and this is my team Bettina, Oliver and Sebastian. As Mr Potts stated, I am here to work on looking at processes working in your business and seeing if we can improve upon them to make them more efficient. What does that mean? I will speak to each of you in turn about what you do and you can tell me what you think can be done better.

Gavin: So are you just taking notes of what we say?

Xavier: No I’m also going to put it in a report and one of my team will make a pretty graph from it. We need to be agile about this.

Barry: Well the grapes come into me, Lorna here puts them in the wash machine and then Gavin packs the grapes whilst I forklift them into a truck.

Bettina: And what water do you use for cleaning the grapes?

Xavier: Great question Bettina, I like your thinking

Barry: Well we used to use Evian but now we use Peckham Spring

Xavier: Interesting, interesting, I’m not quite aware of that brand

Lorna: It’s excellent Mr Turnbull, sorry Xavier. It can wash several grapes at the same time

Sebastian: And where does the truck come in? Is there ever any spillage?

Xavier: Terrific question Sebastian, yes how do the grapes come in? Is there any spillage?

Gavin: Over there and no

Sebastian: And what if we moved the machine from there to here, so the truck can come to this point?

Kevin: Why?

Sebastian: Saving fuel

Xavier: Exactly Sebastian great point, and we are all totally into saving the planet in our company. We are for the next generation.

Lorna: Probably because we’d need to build a new docking station using cement that came from a factory in China that pumped out CO2 into the atmosphere before loading the cement onto a ship with large motors pumping out more pollution, not to mention the transportation from the dock to the wholesaler, retailer and eventually the customer

Xavier: Yes I think you are not quite seeing the bigger picture here

Lorna: How?

Xavier: Ha well I haven’t got all day to explain it to you

Oliver: And is your forklift truck electric, petrol or diesel based Mr…

Barry: Hitherington-Smythe

FX: Lorna and Gavin stifle a laugh with a coughing sound

Oliver: Mr Hitherington-Smythe.

Barry: Electric

Xavier: Well that’s great news, and I’m glad to see you guys think the same way as us

Barry: We’re like twins.

Xavier: Ha, sure

Bettina: And what about tea breaks? How often are those?

Gavin: Well we celebrate Christmas once a year so we treat ourselves to tea then

Xavier: Well that’s great news, team, that doesn’t seem excessive at all

Kevin: Sometimes we even have a jammie dodger

Xavier: Now lets just focus on that jammie dodger. Who brings in the jammie dodgers? And is that during work time?

Lorna: I get them during my lunchtime from the petty cash tin

Xavier: Great, great, now we’re getting somewhere. Where is that cash tin based?

Mr Potts: In my office

Xavier: Right, well what are we thinking team?

Sebastian: How much is in the tin?

Gavin: A fiver

Oliver: and how much is a packet of Jammie dodgers?

Xavier: And you have never thought to have Vanilla Creams?

Barry: No

Xavier: Why not? I love Vanilla Creams

Barry: We don’t

Xavier: OK, OK well I can’t push the point, but I’m wondering you know if Jammie dodgers is the most efficient use of that fiver?

Gavin: Well we sometimes save on toilet paper

Xavier: Excellent news! Did you hear that team? These guys are really thinking. So how do you save on your paper?

Gavin: We occasionally get these reports sent to us from Head Off…Ouch!

Mr Potts: Sorry Gavin, these muscle spasms in my arm are coming back.

Xavier: I’m so sorry Mr Potts, you better see a specialist we wouldn’t want that habit to get in the way of any of your efficient business processes would we?

Mr Potts: No Mr Turnbull we would not

Xavier: Xavier please, exactly so, exactly so. Well team have we got enough material here?

Sebastian: I think so

Xavier: Then it’s time to crank up the highly efficient software and show you guys some amazing graphs

Barry: Can’t wait

Xavier: You better believe it.

Barry: Do you mind if I ask a question?

Xavier: Go for it Mr Hitherington-Smythe

Barry: How much are you charging for this?

Xavier: Ha well you don’t need to worry about that, whatever we charge you’ll make up for in loads of savings in efficiency

Gavin: Well yes we’ll have toilet paper for year…ouch

How to get promoted….

FX:  Plastic drawer slams shut

Candida: Hi Darren. Have you broken the copier again?

Darren: No. It broke itself

Candida: As they do. Hey did you hear about Paul?

Darren: No

Candida: He got a promotion

Darren: What? How?

Candida: His Grandmother sold on ebay

Darren: Why that good for nothing…. I put my youngest on and didn’t get a single bid

Candida: Yeah, but she was wearing her new support stockings so she was looking pretty sharp. I’ve met your youngest

Darren: True. Not enough company commitment on my part

FX: The drawer slams again

Candida: At least you didn’t change your name to the bosses daughter.   I should have checked out what Candida was

Darren: Dreadful choice. She’s changed it now to Kay.

Candida: Well that’s no good. Not with a surname Syrah

Darren: Apt since we just got passed over

Candida: Not necessarily. I have a plan.

Darren: Oh yes? Me too.

Candida: I’m thinking of starting a rumour that Paul is selling secrets to our biggest competitor

Darren: Good idea. Who is our biggest competitor?

Candida: I don’t know

Darren: You’re Head of Marketing

Candida: Your point?

Darren: Why would the boss care if Paul is selling secrets to a company he wasn’t sure was his biggest competitor

Candida: Don’t get technical with me

Darren: My plan is better

Candida: The religion plan? I thought you said the synagogue had banned you

Darren: They suspected my motives. Yiddish/Gibberish, all the same to me

Candida: They had a point

Darren: So I’ve changed my tactic

Boss: Ah Darren, there you are. What a lovely surprise

Darren: Thank you boss, glad you liked it

Boss: Decking out my office in rose petals, and making swans from my napkins. Very thoughtful. The hot tub was possibly a bit far but come and see me later

Darren: With pleasure

Candida: Ah do you need to see me too Boss?

Boss: No I don’t think so

Candida: So I guess Darren, you’re forgiven for killing Flossie?

Boss: What you killed Flossie? My only cat?

Darren: Er no.

Candida: How could you not know Darren, that isn’t very loyal of you

Boss: Flossie young man, was my poor sick cat. I congratulate you, saved me a fortune in vets fees

Candida: Excuse me?  Sorry Boss, it was me that accidentally killed your cat

Boss: What were you doing at my house?

Candida: Er delivering a report

Boss: You’ve never given me a report.   And you did a fairly messy job of scraping Flossie from the tyre

Candida: It was done with love Boss. Why is it OK if Darren killed Flossie but not me?

Boss: Because you try to succeed by pulling others down

Darren: Exactly, you don’t blow nearly enough smoke up the bosses…

Candida: I will try boss. Whatever it takes

Boss: Take a look at Darren. He tried religion and found his true calling

Darren: I did. The bosses image in a gold idol. I’m a true believer

Boss: Excellent spirit Darren, the ceremonial robes a nice touch. Goodbye Candida, pick up your things on the way out

Candida: Please give me another chance

Boss: With Darren by my side, I believe I can fly

Darren: And you can Master, you have the force

Boss: I do, I do have the force

Candida: Yes the force of all that smoke causing wind!  I’m off, but you’ll never get away with this. I haven’t played my trump card yet

FX: Door slams

Boss: Hmm do we have reason to be worried Darren?

Darren: No Sir. I know she has a weapon of mass destruction but I am sure you can transcend such things

Boss: Ah. Yes I probably can.  But I’m concerned about you Darren

Darren: You needn’t be, my atoms are here to serve

Boss: And that is why you are my number 2

Darren: Why Master what an honour. I shall be the biggest and best number 2 that was ever polished.

Boss: I’m sure you will

Darren: So erm.  Delicate matter, what pay rise would I receive?

Boss:  You mean serving me isn’t enough reward in itself?

Darren: But of course, only…

Boss: Then it’s sorted then.

Apple a day…

DOCTOR: Mr Turnbull, can you please come into the surgery.

MR TURBULL 1: Yes Doctor.

DOCTOR: Do have a seat.

FX: A door closes. A squeaky chair is sat on.

DOCTOR: Well we’ve done blood tests, an MRI and ultra sound and we now have an official diagnosis.

MR TURNBULL 1:  Yes Doctor?

DOCTOR: It would appear that you have two heads.

MR TURNBULL 2: ah der

Doctor: (sternly) Who said that? Ah there you are. I didn’t see you when you weren’t looking at me.

MR TURNBULL 1: With all due respect Doctor, I would have thought that was obvious

DOCTOR: Don’t be arrogant with me young man I’m the professional here.

MR TURNBULL 2: Well can e’ go? I want rid o’ im.

DOCTOR: What? amputate?

MR TURNBULL 2:  Aye

DOCTOR:  Well I hadn’t considered that. Are you fully aware how messy that’s going to be? It’s a lot of blood you know. Someone might trip.

MR TURNBULL 2: Appy to take em for a ride. E has to go.

MR TURNBULL 1: Shut up, you should. And where’d you pick that ridiculous accent up from?

MR TURNBULL 2:  Arrr arrr

FX:  Sound of gnashing teeth and then a slap.

MR TURNBULL 2:  Ouch!

MR TURNBULL 1:  Serves you right for trying to bite me.

DOCTOR:  (sternly) Mr Turnbull please. This is a house of medicine.

MR TURNBULL 1: Sorry Doctor, he gets out of control sometimes.

DOCTOR:  Hmmm well I will have to look into the procedure and see who isn’t on holiday to do it. That includes public holidays and general days of feeling a bit peaky. You meanwhile have to decide which head to lose.

MR TURNBULL 2: I ‘ave to stay as I’m the bigger head.

MR TURNBULL 1: But the smaller brain.

FX:  Sound of gnashing teeth and then a slap.

DOCTOR:  Mr Turnbull if you don’t control yourself I am going to send you to the Proctologist as punishment.

MR TURNBULL 1: We’ve already seen him, seems I talk down there as well.

MR TURNBULL 2: Aye Barry’s me friend, despite his breath.

DOCTOR:  Yes well. It’s a common complaint. Before I look into it are you sure about surgery? Surely 2 heads are better than 1.

MR TURNBULL 1: Not if I’m stuck with him. You should see his taste in women.

MR TURNBULL 2:  At least I like women.

DOCTOR:  Interesting. Well you’d better go Mr Turnbull, you have some thinking to do.

MR TURNBULL 2: Bit of a no brainer.

MR TURNBULL 1: He was asking us both.

FX:  A very unpleasant sound.

DOCTOR: My word! What was that?

MR TURNBULL 2: Barry’s vote’s wi me.

Jack the Stripper

FLORA: Quick Maude, it’s getting dark and there’s a heavy fog rising.

MAUDE: I’m coming Flora, I know how dangerous it is around these old Victorian Streets.

FLORA: Quick this way, it’s faster.

MAUDE: Are you sure?

FLORA: Hurry Maude, oh no!

MAUDE: What is it?

FLORA: Do you see up ahead? That shadowy outline of a man ?

MAUDE: With the top hat? Blocking the lane with his carriage?

FLORA: Ah did you see that flash of…

MAUDE: Yes I saw that glint of….

FLORA & MAUDE: sequins

MAUDE: Nooooo

FLORA: It’s Jack the Stripper

JACK: (nasal voice) Hit it

FX: Opening bars to Hot Chocolates “You Sexy Thing”

MAUDE: Let’s go back Flora

FLORA: We can’t because of that large wolf

FX: Woof Woof

FLORA: We’re trapped!

MAUDE: Quick grab that penny farthing

FLORA: In this skirt?  Clearly designed by a man

MAUDE: Where is a phone box when you need it?

FLORA: I don’t know Maude as it hasn’t been invented yet.

MAUDE: Really? So how are we listening to hot chocolate?

FLORA: Oh did you see the way he just flung that cape on the ground?

MAUDE: Shocking. Someone has to wash that.

FLORA: Ah well. So how’s your mother Maude?

MAUDE: Not good, her hips bothering her.

FLORA: Looks he’s got his boot caught in his trousers

FX: Crash

FLORA: Here let me help you up

JACK: Ah Thank you

MAUDE: Well I have to say he’s very well mannered

FLORA: And I do quite like a man in a monocle

MAUDE: He’d be quite a catch if he wasn’t such a DIRTY PERVERT.

FLORA: Has a nice carriage though. Bit of money in the family. You’ve heard the rumours.

MAUDE: I have. (Yawns), he hasn’t even got his hat off yet.

FLORA: Oh he leaves that on

MAUDE: Really how do you know

FLORA: Erm, it was in the papers I think

MAUDE: I don’t recall that. Why did you suggest this road?

FLORA: Maude, what are you implying?

MAUDE: Well Flora maybe you get your kicks from this type of thing.

FLORA: That’s outrageous!

MAUDE: Well you are looking very intently at his long johns

FLORA: Because it’s all so shocking

MAUDE: (Calling out) Can we go soon? I’ve got a sick mother at home.

JACK: And the grand finale…..

FX: Gasp then silence

MAUDE: The rumours wrong. He’s not royalty. Not exactly the crown jewels here.

JACK: Hey, It’s a very cold night.

FX: Police whistle.

JACK: Got to scram, was lovely meeting you ladies.

MAUDE: I’d rather have been knitting

FLORA: Bye Jack

JACK: Till next time

MAUDE: Ha I knew it

The Name’s…

M: Bond

JAMES: Yes M

M: Spectre is onto you

JAMES: How?

M: Because you keep introducing yourself as Bond

JAMES: Hmm they are cleverer than I thought

M: You must go under cover

JAMES: Fine

M: No I mean properly under cover. Not like Cannes.

JAMES: What was wrong with Cannes?

M: You were identified too easily.

JAMES: How?

MONEYPENNY: I’m afraid every woman on the beach remembers your blue shorts.

M: Thank you Moneypenny

MONEYPENNY: One woman only remembered when Spectre’s henchmen stuffed several socks into the trunks.

JAMES: Really? How many pairs.

MONEYPENNY: At least 5.

JAMES: Huh, is that all?

M: They were sports socks James, the little ones. Never the less you must be properly under cover this time.

JAMES: Don’t worry M, I have the perfect sombrero

M: You’ve used it before and the union jack hat band is a dead give away. Think more creatively, something completely unlike you.

JAMES: Ummm a priest?

M: A woman

MONEYPENNY: He could never pull that off.

JAMES: Correct.  I’m 100% pumping testosterone.

M: Act James act

JAMES: Ahem (high pitched). Hello my name is Bond, Jane Bond.

M: The voice is good but the name isn’t much of a creative leap is it.

JAMES: Janine?

M: No

JAMES: Janet?

M: No

MONEYPENNY: How about Jo Jo Bondage?

JAMES: No

M: Perfect.

MONEYPENNY: Come with me James you need to get kitted out.

JAMES: Great, new weapons.

MONEYPENNY: Killer heels.

M: Remember James, you are no longer a man. You must think, act and behave like a woman.

JAMES: (high pitched) Don’t worry M. I have everything under control.

M: Good luck.

 

TOUGH GUY: Well hey there pretty lady.

JAMES: (high pitched)hey there tough guy. My name is Bondage, Jo Jo Bondage.

TOUGH GUY: Say Jo Jo, have you seen a guy wearing these swimming trunks?

JAMES: (high pitched) No Sir, I’m sure I would have remembered.

TOUGH GUY: Yeah most women seem to. Say can I buy you a drink?

JAMES: (high pitched) Why sure.

TOUGH GUY: What’ll it be.

JAMES: (high pitched) Vodka Martini please

TOUGH GUY: shaken or stirred?

JAMES: (high pitched) Erm shaken?

FX:      BANG

JAMES: Darn

FX: BANG

FX: Two bodies fall to the floor.

MONEYPENNY: James James are you alright?

JAMES: No Money penny I’ve been shot.

MONEYPENNY: Does this help?

JAMES: No, the bullet’s in my side not down there.

MONEYPENNY: Sorry James I just went for the first thing that was throbbing.

JAMES: A miscalculation on your part. Here help me up

MONEYPENNY: James we must get you to the hospital.

JAMES: No money, two kidneys is superfluous, I just need ice and an aspirin.

MONEYPENNY: But there’s a gaping hole.

JAMES: Women love scars.

MONEYPENNY: James you’re stumbling.

JAMES: You’re right Money, I’m worse than I thought. I can’t go on.

MONEYPENNY: You can James, you can.

JAMES: No I can’t. Take these heels off me.

FX: Two shoes fall to the floor.

JAMES: Ah that’s better. Would someone get this wheelchair out the way?

BLOWFIELD: That isn’t very politically correct of you Mr Bond.

JAMES: How dare you! I’m as sensitive as a fat cripple with homo tendencies.

BLOWFIELD: I’m doing this for all wheelchair users.

MONEYPENNY: Mr Blowfield, please lower the gun.

JAMES: I supposed you expect me to talk.

BLOWFIELD: No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.

FX: BANG

MONEYPENNY: Oh no James, he’s shot your right arm off.

JAMES: Very observant Moneypenny, but it doesn’t matter, I’m omnidexterous, see?

FX: A cat screeches.

BLOWFIELD: Very clever Mr Bond, to use my cat as a body shield.

JAMES: That’s right Blowfield, one false move and your pussy is licked.

BLOWFIELD: First wheelchair users, then poor defenceless animals, have you no shame Mr Bond?

JAMES: Lower your gun Blowfield, I’m warning you

BLOWFIELD: Can you at least not hold him by his tail.

JAMES: But you can get a better swing….

FX: Cat screeches again and then CLUNK

MONEYPENNY: Well done James, you’ve knocked out Blowfield

JAMES: Correct Money, the cat’s got his tongue. However we must scram, the worst is yet to come.

MONEYPENNY: Scaramanga?

JAMES: No. RSPCA.