Interviewer: Mr Putin, Congratulations on your election win.
Putin: Thank you. It was a complete surprise.
Putin: (dead pan) Not really. I’m amazing.
Interviewer: And what would you say to critics who say that this wasn’t a fair democratic process? That you shut down any genuine opposition?
Putin: What critics are these? I need names.
Interviewer: Ah merely reports from outside of Russia.
Putin: I need names.
Interviewer: Sergei Skripal
Putin: He’s been taken care of.
Interviewer: So Russia did order the execution?
Putin: That was a nasty trick for which you will pay. Russia had nothing to do with his or his daughter’s assassination. It was orchestrated by England.
Interviewer: England has no motive to kill him.
Putin: It was done by England because I have said so. However as he was a traitor to Russia let that be a warning to all Russians.
Interviewer: So you confirm your involvement?
Putin: No. I do not. If you betray Russia there will be consequences. They may not come from Russia as we are very peace loving. But they will be there. Following your every move. I am a friend to all true Russians. They know that, which is why they voted for me.
Interviewer: Many times over I see.
Putin: They are enthusiastic.
Interviewer: You stated you wanted to continue with your great work.
Interviewer: What is that?
Putin: Running the country of course.
Interviewer: Do you intend to tackle widespread corruption?
Putin: There is no corruption in Russia.
Interviewer: How might you explain your $70bn net worth?
Putin: As one of my friends like to say, that is fake news.
Interviewer: I apologise. $71bn.
Putin: Closer. Wait, you have tricked me again. You are playing a dangerous game here Mr Interviewer.
Interviewer: Never Mr President, moving along, what big concerns will you be addressing in running the country?
Putin: Russia acknowledges it’s past, but it is time to embrace the future.
Interviewer: Wonderful Mr President, what do you propose?
Putin: Replacing all the old Lenin and Stalin statues.
Putin: Me of course. Idiot.
Interviewer: Ah. Will that help ordinary Russians?
Putin: No Russians are ordinary. They are all unique and they must never forget…
Putin: Who to vote for next time. And the time after that.