A Surprising Result

Interviewer: Mr Putin, Congratulations on your election win.

Putin: Thank you. It was a complete surprise.

Interviewer: Really?

Putin: (dead pan) Not really. I’m amazing.

Interviewer: And what would you say to critics who say that this wasn’t a fair democratic process? That you shut down any genuine opposition?

Putin: What critics are these? I need names.

Interviewer: Ah merely reports from outside of Russia.

Putin: I need names.

Interviewer: Sergei Skripal

Putin: He’s been taken care of.

Interviewer: So Russia did order the execution?

Putin: That was a nasty trick for which you will pay. Russia had nothing to do with his or his daughter’s assassination. It was orchestrated by England.

Interviewer: England has no motive to kill him.

Putin: It was done by England because I have said so. However as he was a traitor to Russia let that be a warning to all Russians.

Interviewer: So you confirm your involvement?

Putin: No. I do not. If you betray Russia there will be consequences. They may not come from Russia as we are very peace loving. But they will be there. Following your every move. I am a friend to all true Russians. They know that, which is why they voted for me.

Interviewer: Many times over I see.

Putin: They are enthusiastic.

Interviewer: You stated you wanted to continue with your great work.

Putin: Correct

Interviewer: What is that?

Putin: Running the country of course.

Interviewer: Do you intend to tackle widespread corruption?

Putin: There is no corruption in Russia.

Interviewer: How might you explain your $70bn net worth?

Putin: As one of my friends like to say, that is fake news.

Interviewer: I apologise. $71bn.

Putin: Closer. Wait, you have tricked me again. You are playing a dangerous game here Mr Interviewer.

Interviewer: Never Mr President, moving along, what big concerns will you be addressing in running the country?

Putin: Russia acknowledges it’s past, but it is time to embrace the future.

Interviewer: Wonderful Mr President, what do you propose?

Putin: Replacing all the old Lenin and Stalin statues.

Interviewer: With?

Putin: Me of course. Idiot.

Interviewer: Ah. Will that help ordinary Russians?

Putin: No Russians are ordinary. They are all unique and they must never forget…

Interviewer: Yes?

Putin: Who to vote for next time.   And the time after that.

Man with a Mission

NARRATOR: He rode far and wide, all over his vast kingdom, at times even sharing his incredible physique to inspire his own people. For he was a real man. A man on a mission. And at last he had arrived to the mystical Seer, Raspulin.

PUTIN: Raspulin, are you there?

RASPULIN: I am here Vladimir Putin, what is it that you seek?

PUTIN: I seek a personality Raspulin.

RASPULINE: You have a personality Putin.

PUTIN: No I want a nice one.

RASPULIN: But why?

PUTIN: I want to be remembered as Putin the Great, not Putin the Terrible.

RASPULIN: What do you care? You have many years in power yet.

PUTIN: Indeed and I will see to that. But I have been contemplating my legacy.

RASPULIN: To win your people over, surely you merely have to smile?

PUTIN: It scares people.

RASPULIN: But you removed the gold teeth

PUTIN: I have. But I am not pleased. It is more a sneer.

RASPULIN: Hmm I guess the icy stare doesn’t help.

PUTIN: What icy stare? You say I have an icy stare? I would like you to clarify that statement very carefully.

RASPULIN: I said nicey chair. Oh look a lovely rock to sit on. Joints aren’t what they used to be.

PUTIN: You distinctly said…

RASPULIN: What do you need a personality for? You are King of all the Russians, with your people’s devoted loyalty. Power is an aphrodisiac to all the young ladies, and of course wealth. Lots and lots of wealth. Lots and lots and lots of…

PUTIN: Yes I get the message Raspulin, but that money is necessary.

RASPULIN: For what?

PUTIN: Well you haven’t charged me yet. I will need money for that.

RASPULIN: That may not be necessary Putin, I will not charge for what may be fruitless.

PUTIN: I tell you I must have a nice personality. People love me because I’m strong, fearless and because they may quietly disappear if they don’t. But I want to be loved for my charm.

RASPULIN: Empathy Putin is something you are born with, charm comes from empathy and that is something I cannot teach you.

PUTIN: That is not true. Hitler could be charming but he was a cold ruthless genocidal maniac. A true leader.

RASPULIN: Have you talked to your people, heard what they have to say?

PUTIN: I don’t enjoy talking to people.

RASPULIN: That makes it harder to win them over. Have you considered allocating more money to their infrastructure and general well being? Increasing the state pension for instance?

PUTIN: Don’t be ridiculous.

RASPULIN: Cabbage soup can taste a little dull 365 days of the year.

PUTIN: You are right. I will distribute a gift from myself to all the Russians.

RASPULIN: Wonderful Putin, what will it be?

PUTIN: Potato’s.

RASPULIN: Well it’s a start.

PUTIN: And it’s a finale too.

RASPULIN: Not sure that will raise you to “great” status.

PUTIN: Then what must I do? How will people learn to like me again? How can I win them with my charm?

RASPULIN: The same way that people the world over win each other, the greatest of all Russian inventions.

PUTIN: Tell me.


PUTIN: Thank you Raspulin, I will try that. I did note you interrupted me earlier.

NARRATOR: And as Putin moved his icy stare away, he left the great Mystic, safe in the knowledge that the humble potato would secure his future as a beloved and great Leader. And just to ensure he could charm his people with his winning ways, he ordered so much vodka that unfortunately there was only 5 potato’s left to distribute to the general populace. But they were nice old ladies and they had knitted him a lovely woolly vest that fitted snuggly when the weather turned nipply.

A Very Special Relationship

REPORTER: Well it’s an extremely momentous day as the new Prime Minister of Great Britain, Mr Jeremy Corbyn meets the President of the United States, Mr Donald Trump. Here they come now.

REPORTER:  Mr Trump, how was your meeting with Mr Corbyn?

TRUMP:  The United Kingdom and the United States has always enjoyed a special relationship. I think we’ve taken that to new levels today.

CORBYN:  We didn’t see eye to eye on many things…

TRUMP: Anything

CORBYN: But the biscuits were nice.

TRUMP: Not enough chocolate.

REPORTER: Do you think you can work together with such different foreign policies?

TRUMP: Nuke him

CORBYN: What about peace, love and understanding?

TRUMP:  Awww you’re so special you have just left the happy clappy bus.

CORBYN: Did you see that? Did you see that bullying? Well at least I’m not Putin’s puppet.

TRUMP: You’d have terrorists shoot your own citizens.

CORBYN: I could talk them out of it.

TRUMP: You couldn’t talk an anorexic out of a crispy cream donut.

CORBYN: I could.  I have empathy.

TRUMP: God you’re such a pussy, I just want to…

CORBYN: Grab me?

TRUMP: Too right, by your scrawny…..

REPORTER: Now onto trade Donald, do you think you would be able to work a trade deal with the UK?

TRUMP: Depends if it’s in the best interest of America.

CORBYN: Mr Trump is all about self interest.

TRUMP: Let’s be clear here. I’m all for the UK sticking their finger up to the EU. I like it when countries stick their finger up, and sometimes I feel the urge to rotate on that, however at the end of the day, I ain’t likely to sign no deal. Unless it’s a golf course in Scotland.

CORBYN: Which has completely ruined the landscape.

TRUMP: Bullshit.

CORBYN: He completely ignored planning permission.

TRUMP: I ain’t gonna let a load of bureaucrats dictate to me. Hell I don’t even pay taxes, but I employ a lot of people. What do you do Jeremy?

CORBYN: I like camping. And bunnies.

TRUMP: I bet you do.

REPORTER: Now that brings us nicely onto the topic of climate change…


CORBYN: Scientifically proven.

TRUMP: Doesn’t exist.

CORBYN: We should all be riding bicycles and giving back to our Earth mother. I like daisies.

TRUMP: I like Florida sunshine as it beats down on my SUV

CORBYN: Global warming is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. We are all going to fry to death.

TRUMP: I ain’t gonna do not frying. I’m the President of the USA and I’m going straight to heaven because I said so.

CORBYN: The sheer hubris of the man.

TRUMP: Who you calling useless?

CORBYN: I said hubris. Don’t you know the word?

TRUMP: Course I do.

CORBYN: What does it mean?

TRUMP: I just know

REPORTER: So is it fair to say you see UK and US relations as strained right now?

CORBYN: Strained is a strong word. We both enjoyed looking at photos of Ivanka.

TRUMP: We sure did, she’s a beautiful girl.

CORBYN: And it was all perfectly wholesome.

TRUMP: It sure was, are you implying otherwise?

CORBYN: Funny how you leapt to that implication

TRUMP: Why I’m gonna show you


REPORTER: WOW, well it looks like Jeremy is giving a right thrashing to Donald Trump, can you believe it?. I guess all that cycling and tent pitching has given him some powerful biceps.

TRUMP: Ahhhhh

MILANIA: Wake up Donald, wake up.

TRUMP: Ah Milania, I just had the worst nightmare.

MILANIA: Did you baby?

TRUMP: I dreamt I was taking a beating by this weird hippy dude.

MILANIA: It was just a dream Darling. We all know you are a big, tough swinging dick around here.

TRUMP: You’re goddamn right Milania. I’ve gotta show people what America’s made of.

MILANIA: That’s right Donald.

TRUMP: I’m gonna show them all.

MILANIA: How Donald?

TRUMP: You up for another nude photoshoot?

MILANIA: ahhhh

TRUMP: Don’t worry baby, there won’t be fur or handcuffs


TRUMP: I’m thinking furry handcuffs. Tough and sexy.

MILANIA: Whatever you want Donald. But I’m from Slovenia not America.

TRUMP: You’re all American to me baby, cause I’m the president and I just said so. I’ll just run it past my friend Vlad. But I think he’ll like it.