The Habsburg Jaw

Arabella: Look Papa look, there’s a horrible monster stumbling our way

Father: Ah Arabella, what luck. Now smile your pretty smile for the man. With any luck you’ll catch his eye

Arabella: I don’t want to Papa, he looks frightful.

Father: No Arabella, he’s a Habsburg, from the most powerful and wealthy family in all of Europe. Try and make a good impression

Arabella: It won’t matter Papa, we aren’t nearly rich or closely related enough to attract his attention

Father: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say his famous jaw dropped upon seeing you

Arabella: He can’t help that Papa. Oh dear he’s coming our way.

Father: Flirt my little Arabella, the connections alone would secure us

Charles Habsburg: Hood Orning

Father: Ah Charles of Spain. It could be described as an awning or a hood you are quite right, but I usually call it a hat

Arabella: No, Papa.  Good Morning your Grace, so wonderful to see your fine figure today

Father: Apologies your Grace, I was a little confused

Charles:   Who have a ratty aisle

Father: I will find out your Grace but the land should no longer be infested with vermin after the last plague

Arabella: I thank you for your compliments Sir, it has been said before that I have a pretty smile

Father: Ah Sorry your Grace, my hearing you know, isnt’ quite what it was

Charles: ret me ive ou a rift

Father: Why sir? We have no intention to offend. Trust me there is no rift on our part

Arabella: Why your Grace, it is not necessary to give me a gift, merely favouring me with your attention is enough to warm my heart

Father: Ah yes, indeed. An interesting turn of phrase

Charles: I want to ive you a cock in your its

Father: I beg your pardon! How dare…

Arabella: Why kind Sir, I will only accept your locket for keeps if it has your miniature in it. Or a soft curly lock of your hair

Father: Well that’s most kind I dare say

Charles: tis fanny to rifle

Father: You fiend! My daughter is not for sale!

Arabella: I know tis merely a trifle, but it would mean a great deal to me.

Father: Ah yes it would mean a great deal to us both. Such a fiend, that man over there, be wary of him your grace

Charles: Thou ‘eat flushes turn me ard thou unruly disgrace

Father: Bloody disgraceful indeed this talk

Arabella: How sweet that my blushes warm your heart, am I truly fair of face?

Father: Ah, what kind words, now they are unraveled for my somewhat burning ears

Charles: I want to ‘avish your arse end & ‘ussy then rest on your fair hair

Father: Why Sir I’m going to give you the soundest thrashing of your…

Arabella: Sir there is no need to lavish me a garland of poesy to rest on my fair hair

Father: Good grief! Sir we are most grateful to you for flattering my daughter however she is unfortunately betrothed to another

Arabella: Am I?

Father: Yes Arabella, I’m sure my health could not survive this courtship

Charles: That is ‘ost unfortunate

Father: Well I understood that

Charles: I will ‘id you ‘ood day

Father: And a Good Day to you too Sir


Advisor: Well Sir Charles, how was your attentions received?

Charles: Not ‘rominsing

Advisor: Indeed? But you’re a Habsburg. Were you misunderstood again?

Charles: ‘Ompletely. The father seemed to understand, hut his daughter? Not at all

Henry VIII – The most desperate King?

Henry: Walk with me advisors, whatever names you own

Simon: I am Simon your Worshipfulness. Simon of the Seven Sceptres.   I fought with you at the battle of Boulogne. I am honoured to be walking at your side

Henry: By my side? Get back you foul smelling miscreant

Stanley: I’m Stanley. I’ve merely served 17 years at court however Stanley is quite long to remember at two syllables.

Henry: Silence fool!. I want to know how I’m viewed by my people after that unfortunate incident with the tomato

Stanley: That was accidental Sire, I saw the lady trip myself which sent the officious vegetable flying

Simon: To be sure, your people adore you Sire. They gaze at you longingly, hoping for any projection of spittle that might pass your lips. Your battles, all victorious

Stanley: And your glorious search for marital bliss, endless

Henry: Witches all of them. Plus a few slipped the block.  You think I’ll be remembered for them?

Stanley: No Sire. It was a mere situational peculiarity

Henry: Indeed. I was greatly wronged

Simon: Heart wrenching for such a glorious leader. The Rays of God himself shine joyously upon your shining visage

Henry: It is true.  I was called Adonis, fair of calf.

Stanley: Indeed Sire. A long time ago

Henry: Not so long ago

Simon: No Sire, thou art fair of calf and muscular still

Stanley: No one will ever wonder how such fair calves support such a grand frame.

Henry: Grand indeed

Simon: And such a glorious thatch of red hair

Stanley: that shines like the most succulent of carrots.

Henry: Hmmm enough. I want to be known as a fair and wise king, not just devastatingly handsome. All must come to love me such that echoing my names makes babes weep that they will never know my grandeur.

Simon: And your humility

Henry: That too

Stanley: Piety

Henry: ah yes, I do pray to God.  It isn’t cursing

Simon: Charity

Henry: At times. To my friends. Such wonderful parties.

Stanley: Insightful

Henry: In many ways

Stanley: Yes sire.   Material possessions will never nourish the soul

Henry: Quite so

Stanley: Indeed Sire how your people rejoice for the treasury that flourishes like a field of golden daffodils, Ruby roses, and sapphire bluebells. A glory of colour

Henry: A beautiful picture, kept safely with me

Simon: And the love your people bear you Sire

Stanley: Is the strength of a glorious candle flame that flickers on the raft of a stormy ocean

Henry: You think me stupid boy? I could easily extinguish you too

Simon: He meant the strength of the ocean your Majesty

Stanley: Indeed. My expression was not quite accurate Sire, from the depths of my soul I apologise

Henry: You tire me. Leave

Stanley: Yes Sir

FX: Door closes

Simon: You could have got us killed. Bloody candle!

Stanley: Yes it was stupid of me

Simon: It’s dangerous to be so careless, we must not speak our minds

Stanley: Indeed only to each other must we acknowledge that King Henry ‘s most memorable feat is the lengths he went, to get a shag from the Boleyn woman

Simon: An entire nation in turmoil. If only he’d been satisfied with Good Time Gertie from the Fish and Spear

Stanley: As fine a filly as any. And you get used to the scratching after a month or so

The Dilemma of Sitting Bull

FX: A soft drum beat.

RAGING STALLION: How Sitting Bull.

SITTING BULL: How young Cinicha, Son of Roaring River.

CYRIL: Howdee Dodee Sitting Bull.

SITTING BULL: Hmmm How young Cyril, adopted Pale Face. Please sit. Today you are no longer boys. Today you are both men. You get your new name. You Cinicha is now known as Raging Stallion.

RAGING STALLION: Thank you Sitting Bull. Is big Honour.

CYRIL: What about me? What is my new name? What is it? I’ve had some ideas.

RAGING STALLION: You young Cyril will be known as cross…

CYRIL: Yes Cross, angry, furious

SITTING BULL: eyed pigeon.

CYRIL: Yesss. Erm what?

SITTING BULL: Cross Eyed pigeon.

CYRIL: So he gets Raging Stallion and I get Cross eyed pigeon?

SITTING BULL: Pigeon makes good messenger.

CYRIL: And a cross eyed one?

SITTING BULL:  Tend to go in circles.

CYRIL: So I’m good for nothing.

SITTING BULL: Some men are born great, some have it thrust upon them, but for many of us. We just are.

CYRIL: Are what?


RAGING STALLION: Cross eye. Be still. There be many pigeons therefore you may have many partners.

CYRIL: Hey yeah.

SITTING BULL: No cross eye. Many pigeon means, many pies.

CYRIL: Awww that’s not fair. Can I’ve another name?

SITTING BULL: Squealing piglet?

CYRIL: No.   Another.

SITTING BULL: Bandy – legged Bandicoot?

CYRIL: Nooooo

SITTING BULL: Ah Whining Weasel!

CYRIL: I was thinking more Leaping Panther. Or Growling Bear

SITTING BULL:  Raging stallion kill 3 boar. What you kill?

CYRIL: A squirrel.

RAGING STALLION:  He sat on it. Then took it and nursed it.

CYRIL: So! Why can’t a warrior be a vegetarian?

SITTING BULL: You kill to eat, or go pick berries.

RAGING STALLION: He faints at sight of blood.

CYRIL: (furious) That’s not true! (quieter) I have allergies.

SITTING BULL: Name remains.

CYRIL: No Sitting Bull. Please give me a chance.

SITTING BULL: Then you must travel three leagues west to the land of the mohawks and kill their sacred leader Rampant Badger. Bring me his bloodied heart.

CYRIL: eeewwww.

SITTING BULL:  Name remains.

CYRIL: Fine I’ll do it.

SITTING BULL: Have courage pigeon.

CYRIL: I don’t need it. I’m off.

FX: Sound of footsteps.

RAGING STALLION: Sitting Bull, Pigeon has not returned for 2 weeks now.

SITTING BULL: He has much to prove. What is that on the horizon?

RAGING STALLION: He returns! Pigeon my brother, what news?

SITTING BULL: You look much thinner pigeon. All well?

CYRIL: All well Sitting Bull. Here is the heart.

RAGING STALLION: Well done Pigeon.

SITTING BULL: Hmm heart, very large.

CYRIL: He was a giant of a man, he fought bravely.

SITING BULL: Heart is buffalo’s, like one seen in pale face butcher.

CYRIL: That’s not true.

SITTING BULL: Rampant Badger only five foot. This heart bigger than his head.

CYRIL: Aw well it wasn’t my fault. It’s been so cloudy, I couldn’t get my sundial to work.

SITTING BULL: No excuse. Tracking skills?

CYRIL: Played havoc with my hay fever.

SITTING BULL: You fail Cross Eyed.

CYRIL: I didn’t fail. I showed ingenuity.

SITTING BULL: No Cross-eye. Idiocy. Name remains.

FX: Cyril wails

CYRIL: It wasn’t my fault. This wolf kept following me.

SITTING BULL: Ah, Wolves are murderous. How you survive Cross Eye?

CYRIL: I played my pan pipe. It liked to boogie.

SITTING BULL: Very wise Cross Eyed. Now Cross Eye must die.

CYRIL: What? why?

SITTING BULL: You now known as Dances with Wolves.

CYRIL: Gees, really? How about the Wolverine?

SITTING BULL: Do not push it, or back to cross-eyed.