The Home Viewing

FX: Knock knock. A door creaks open.

Norma: Hello dears, can I help you?

Matt:  Ah hello, my name is Matthew and this is my fiancée Sunita. We were due to do a house viewing of your home but I’m afraid the agent hasn’t turned up.

Norma: Ah I see, do you want to come in?

Sunita:  Only if it’s alright with you, we wouldn’t want to intrude

Norma: Come in Sunita, I’m happy to show you round. I’m Norma.

Matt:  Thank you Norma.

FX:  Footsteps

Norma: This here is the kitchen,

Sunita:  Very nice and clean.

Norma: I like a well scrubbed house.

Sunita: me too.

FX:  Footsteps

Norma: And here is the first bedroom.

FX:  Chains rattle and there is a scream

Matt:  Good Lord, what was that?

Norma:  Oh you can ignore that. It’s just Barry.

Matt: Who’s Barry? He didn’t….erm sound of this world

Norma: He’s not dear, he’s our resident ghost. But he won’t harm you.

Sunita: This home is only ten years old Norma. Where did the chains come from?

Norma:  Oh that’s not chains dear, heaven forbid no. It’s handcuffs.

Matt: What happened ?

Norma: It’s nothing to worry about. Just a bit of S&M gone wrong that’s all. Was an accident. The firemen were right, should never play with fire.   Mind you was good training for where he is right now.

FX:  Rattle rattle ahhhh ahhhh

Norma: Oh shut up Barry

Matt:  Does he do that very often?

Norma: Not too often although he does like an audience. Let me show you upstairs.

Sunita: Ah well we should really be going.

Norma: Oh don’t let a little thing like Barry put you off. And trust me it was a little thing, and I had all those firemen round and I had to worry about him. Too cruel. Now up the stairs.

FX: Footsteps and creaking stairs.

Norma: This is the second bedroom.

FX: A low growl.

Matt: Please tell me that was the dog.

Norma: No dear, just the other half.

Matt: Is he dead too?

Norma: How did you know? His upper half was found in the next bedroom so he can make a bit of a nuisance in there too.

Matt: Sorry Norma, but we’d better get going.

Sunita: Quick Matt, down the stairs.

FX:  Sound of scuffling, a trip and crashing as they fall down the stairs.

Norma: Oh dear – not again. Always in a hurry, just like the agent. Well no point in dwelling on that, better start the cleaning.

FX:  A chainsaw starts up.

 

The Final Days of Rome

DALLAS: Rome

ROME: Dallas. How are you?

FX: kiss kiss

ROME: Excited about the show?

DALLAS: So excited I almost smiled

ROME: No Darling you mustn’t crack

DALLAS: Quite. Stephen Fry said some women feel that wrinkles show their history but that it wasn’t required for me because I was too vacuous to embrace it

ROME: That’s shocking. What did you reply?

DALLAS: What is vacuous?

ROME: I was wondering that too. At least you got to speak to Stephen Fry, he’s so funny. Did you get papped?

DALLAS: God I so hope so.

FX: Music starts

ROME: Oh Darling I just love a nude body stocking. Such a wonderful garment to show off the figure.

DALLAS: Yes. Not so useful during a period.

ROME: Or going to the bathroom

DALLAS: Well you just don’t, and one time I had this dreadful incident with a curry….

ROME: Ah what a beautiful lace ruff. Reminds me of one I bought made by street children in Bolivia

DALLAS: That is so good of you Rome, so they could earn money for their family instead of wasting time on reading and writing

ROME: Well I thought so, but then little Mumbai threw up on it.

DALLAS: So it got thrown out I suppose

ROME: Quite, Mumbai’s with some Gypsies now. I’m sure she’s happy enough.

DALLAS: Probably

ROME: Besides, I’m going to the Battersea Dogs Home charity event so I was hoping to pick up a pooch instead

DALLAS: Lucky you. I heard Benedict Cumberbatch was going to that

ROME: Really? Then I must purchase something spectacular

DALLAS: Exactly Darling, Tatler will be everywhere

ROME: Thank Goodness Daddy’s famous. I’d be quite useless otherwise

DALLAS: Oh Rome, look spiky shoes are making a come back

ROME:   Fabulous. I speared three people who were trying to steal my sale items when I wore my last pair

DALLAS: And they great thing is you can then kick them to the curb afterwards

ROME: Which is only what they deserved

DALLAS: Indeed. Although I did come a bit unstuck later on. Not to be used for the kinky stuff

ROME: Is that so?

DALLAS: Yes my boyfriend’s left testicle looks like Sponge Bob

ROME: Ah another “fashion victim”.

DALLAS: Was that a joke?

ROME: I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not smiling over it. Oh my, look at that dress

DALLAS: It’s exquisite

ROME: Quite, such an unusual fabric

DALLAS: Apparently it’s made of meat

ROME: Like Lady Gaga’s dress

DALLAS: Exactly

ROME: I must have it! It’s sure to be a hit with Tatler

DALLAS: And you will be the biggest hit of all!

ROME: Most likely

DALLAS: You don’t think the meat may attract the dogs?

ROME: Oh no, my chihuahua’s gave up meat long ago, and gluten, dairy, sugar etc. I’m sure the Battersea Dogs Home has a similar policy

DALLAS: And how are the little dears?

ROME: Well annoyingly one went and died in my favourite Hermes handbag, little blighter. Haven’t seen the others in a while

Automation Failure

FX:  A man groans in anguish. Telephone buttons are pushed.

FX:  Ring Ring

Phone: Hello, you are through to the Samaritans.

Man: Thank God, look I really need to talk to…

Phone: If you would like to voice a complaint about Brexit, Southern Trains, middle aged men in skinny jeans please press one.

Man: Ah what?

Phone: If you are having difficulty with your family or partner please press 2. If you are full of despair, please press 3.

FX:  BEEP

Man:  Please I need to talk to…

Phone: Thank you for phoning the Samaritans. So that we can identify you please let us know the second to last letter of your mothers maiden name.

Man: You’re not supposed to know me.  Isn’t that the point?

Phone:  To speak to an advisor we recommend that you provide the second last letter of your mothers maiden name.

Man: Oh for Pete’s sake

FX: BEEP

Man: Now look I need to talk to…

Phone:  That is the incorrect letter.

Man: (angrily) No it’s not!

Phone:  Yes it is. Please try again and if unsuccessful please press 4,5 or 6 hashtag semi colon 9.

FX:  BEEEEEEEEEEP. Silence

Phone: You pressed 4.

Man:  Yes I did, can I speak to someone now?

Phone:  Please try pressing the off button for 10 seconds on the phone to reboot it.  If that is not the answer you were looking for please try 6 hashtag semi colon 9.

Man: Oh for the love of…

FX: Beep beep beep beep

Man:  Hello, am I through now?

Phone: For quality and training purposes this call may be recorded. Please note that we will never disclose any of your personal details to the sun, the daily mail, or any other tabloid, unless it’s in the public interest to know.

Man:  (Despairingly). Please I need to talk to someone.

Phone: Sorry, due to high call turnover you are now 5th in the queue, but your phone call is very important to us, so please stay on the line and we will try to connect you as soon as possible.

FX: Theme tune to Rainbow.

Man:  Oh my God. He sighs.

FX:  The music stops.

Man:  Hello hello are you there now?

FX:  The music starts up again.  

Man: Gees you son’s of…

FX: The music stops.

Man: Ah Thank God, hello is there anyone there?

Phone:  Did you know at the Samaritans we now have an automated chat room where you can get hold of us at any time, twenty four seven.

Man: (yelling) I don’t care.  Please let me talk to somebody.

Phone: Thank you for phoning the Samaritans, if there is anything else we can do, please press 12 on your telephone keypad, otherwise you may disconnect.

Man: What?

FX: Call is disconnected

Man: AAAAAHHHH

FX: Phone is bashed into many small pieces.

Man:  O.K.  I think that worked.  Feeling better already.