The Final Days of Rome


ROME: Dallas. How are you?

FX: kiss kiss

ROME: Excited about the show?

DALLAS: So excited I almost smiled

ROME: No Darling you mustn’t crack

DALLAS: Quite. Stephen Fry said some women feel that wrinkles show their history but that it wasn’t required for me because I was too vacuous to embrace it

ROME: That’s shocking. What did you reply?

DALLAS: What is vacuous?

ROME: I was wondering that too. At least you got to speak to Stephen Fry, he’s so funny. Did you get papped?

DALLAS: God I so hope so.

FX: Music starts

ROME: Oh Darling I just love a nude body stocking. Such a wonderful garment to show off the figure.

DALLAS: Yes. Not so useful during a period.

ROME: Or going to the bathroom

DALLAS: Well you just don’t, and one time I had this dreadful incident with a curry….

ROME: Ah what a beautiful lace ruff. Reminds me of one I bought made by street children in Bolivia

DALLAS: That is so good of you Rome, so they could earn money for their family instead of wasting time on reading and writing

ROME: Well I thought so, but then little Mumbai threw up on it.

DALLAS: So it got thrown out I suppose

ROME: Quite, Mumbai’s with some Gypsies now. I’m sure she’s happy enough.

DALLAS: Probably

ROME: Besides, I’m going to the Battersea Dogs Home charity event so I was hoping to pick up a pooch instead

DALLAS: Lucky you. I heard Benedict Cumberbatch was going to that

ROME: Really? Then I must purchase something spectacular

DALLAS: Exactly Darling, Tatler will be everywhere

ROME: Thank Goodness Daddy’s famous. I’d be quite useless otherwise

DALLAS: Oh Rome, look spiky shoes are making a come back

ROME:   Fabulous. I speared three people who were trying to steal my sale items when I wore my last pair

DALLAS: And they great thing is you can then kick them to the curb afterwards

ROME: Which is only what they deserved

DALLAS: Indeed. Although I did come a bit unstuck later on. Not to be used for the kinky stuff

ROME: Is that so?

DALLAS: Yes my boyfriend’s left testicle looks like Sponge Bob

ROME: Ah another “fashion victim”.

DALLAS: Was that a joke?

ROME: I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not smiling over it. Oh my, look at that dress

DALLAS: It’s exquisite

ROME: Quite, such an unusual fabric

DALLAS: Apparently it’s made of meat

ROME: Like Lady Gaga’s dress

DALLAS: Exactly

ROME: I must have it! It’s sure to be a hit with Tatler

DALLAS: And you will be the biggest hit of all!

ROME: Most likely

DALLAS: You don’t think the meat may attract the dogs?

ROME: Oh no, my chihuahua’s gave up meat long ago, and gluten, dairy, sugar etc. I’m sure the Battersea Dogs Home has a similar policy

DALLAS: And how are the little dears?

ROME: Well annoyingly one went and died in my favourite Hermes handbag, little blighter. Haven’t seen the others in a while

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