The Habsburg Jaw

Arabella: Look Papa look, there’s a horrible monster stumbling our way

Father: Ah Arabella, what luck. Now smile your pretty smile for the man. With any luck you’ll catch his eye

Arabella: I don’t want to Papa, he looks frightful.

Father: No Arabella, he’s a Habsburg, from the most powerful and wealthy family in all of Europe. Try and make a good impression

Arabella: It won’t matter Papa, we aren’t nearly rich or closely related enough to attract his attention

Father: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say his famous jaw dropped upon seeing you

Arabella: He can’t help that Papa. Oh dear he’s coming our way.

Father: Flirt my little Arabella, the connections alone would secure us

Charles Habsburg: Hood Orning

Father: Ah Charles of Spain. It could be described as an awning or a hood you are quite right, but I usually call it a hat

Arabella: No, Papa.  Good Morning your Grace, so wonderful to see your fine figure today

Father: Apologies your Grace, I was a little confused

Charles:   Who have a ratty aisle

Father: I will find out your Grace but the land should no longer be infested with vermin after the last plague

Arabella: I thank you for your compliments Sir, it has been said before that I have a pretty smile

Father: Ah Sorry your Grace, my hearing you know, isnt’ quite what it was

Charles: ret me ive ou a rift

Father: Why sir? We have no intention to offend. Trust me there is no rift on our part

Arabella: Why your Grace, it is not necessary to give me a gift, merely favouring me with your attention is enough to warm my heart

Father: Ah yes, indeed. An interesting turn of phrase

Charles: I want to ive you a cock in your its

Father: I beg your pardon! How dare…

Arabella: Why kind Sir, I will only accept your locket for keeps if it has your miniature in it. Or a soft curly lock of your hair

Father: Well that’s most kind I dare say

Charles: tis fanny to rifle

Father: You fiend! My daughter is not for sale!

Arabella: I know tis merely a trifle, but it would mean a great deal to me.

Father: Ah yes it would mean a great deal to us both. Such a fiend, that man over there, be wary of him your grace

Charles: Thou ‘eat flushes turn me ard thou unruly disgrace

Father: Bloody disgraceful indeed this talk

Arabella: How sweet that my blushes warm your heart, am I truly fair of face?

Father: Ah, what kind words, now they are unraveled for my somewhat burning ears

Charles: I want to ‘avish your arse end & ‘ussy then rest on your fair hair

Father: Why Sir I’m going to give you the soundest thrashing of your…

Arabella: Sir there is no need to lavish me a garland of poesy to rest on my fair hair

Father: Good grief! Sir we are most grateful to you for flattering my daughter however she is unfortunately betrothed to another

Arabella: Am I?

Father: Yes Arabella, I’m sure my health could not survive this courtship

Charles: That is ‘ost unfortunate

Father: Well I understood that

Charles: I will ‘id you ‘ood day

Father: And a Good Day to you too Sir


Advisor: Well Sir Charles, how was your attentions received?

Charles: Not ‘rominsing

Advisor: Indeed? But you’re a Habsburg. Were you misunderstood again?

Charles: ‘Ompletely. The father seemed to understand, hut his daughter? Not at all

The Final Days of Rome


ROME: Dallas. How are you?

FX: kiss kiss

ROME: Excited about the show?

DALLAS: So excited I almost smiled

ROME: No Darling you mustn’t crack

DALLAS: Quite. Stephen Fry said some women feel that wrinkles show their history but that it wasn’t required for me because I was too vacuous to embrace it

ROME: That’s shocking. What did you reply?

DALLAS: What is vacuous?

ROME: I was wondering that too. At least you got to speak to Stephen Fry, he’s so funny. Did you get papped?

DALLAS: God I so hope so.

FX: Music starts

ROME: Oh Darling I just love a nude body stocking. Such a wonderful garment to show off the figure.

DALLAS: Yes. Not so useful during a period.

ROME: Or going to the bathroom

DALLAS: Well you just don’t, and one time I had this dreadful incident with a curry….

ROME: Ah what a beautiful lace ruff. Reminds me of one I bought made by street children in Bolivia

DALLAS: That is so good of you Rome, so they could earn money for their family instead of wasting time on reading and writing

ROME: Well I thought so, but then little Mumbai threw up on it.

DALLAS: So it got thrown out I suppose

ROME: Quite, Mumbai’s with some Gypsies now. I’m sure she’s happy enough.

DALLAS: Probably

ROME: Besides, I’m going to the Battersea Dogs Home charity event so I was hoping to pick up a pooch instead

DALLAS: Lucky you. I heard Benedict Cumberbatch was going to that

ROME: Really? Then I must purchase something spectacular

DALLAS: Exactly Darling, Tatler will be everywhere

ROME: Thank Goodness Daddy’s famous. I’d be quite useless otherwise

DALLAS: Oh Rome, look spiky shoes are making a come back

ROME:   Fabulous. I speared three people who were trying to steal my sale items when I wore my last pair

DALLAS: And they great thing is you can then kick them to the curb afterwards

ROME: Which is only what they deserved

DALLAS: Indeed. Although I did come a bit unstuck later on. Not to be used for the kinky stuff

ROME: Is that so?

DALLAS: Yes my boyfriend’s left testicle looks like Sponge Bob

ROME: Ah another “fashion victim”.

DALLAS: Was that a joke?

ROME: I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not smiling over it. Oh my, look at that dress

DALLAS: It’s exquisite

ROME: Quite, such an unusual fabric

DALLAS: Apparently it’s made of meat

ROME: Like Lady Gaga’s dress

DALLAS: Exactly

ROME: I must have it! It’s sure to be a hit with Tatler

DALLAS: And you will be the biggest hit of all!

ROME: Most likely

DALLAS: You don’t think the meat may attract the dogs?

ROME: Oh no, my chihuahua’s gave up meat long ago, and gluten, dairy, sugar etc. I’m sure the Battersea Dogs Home has a similar policy

DALLAS: And how are the little dears?

ROME: Well annoyingly one went and died in my favourite Hermes handbag, little blighter. Haven’t seen the others in a while

A Super Team

Batman: Wonder Woman why have you called us all together?

Wonder Woman: Because Batman I believe we must combine forces to defeat the evil Penguin. You still got that throat infection?

Superman: You needn’t worry, I’ll take care of it.

Wonder Woman: Fisherman’s Friend?

Superman: I’m talking about the Penguin

Wonder Woman: He owns Kryptonite

Spiderman: Don’t worry Superman, I’m your friendly neighbourhood spider and can back you up

Superman: Ha so not required

Batman: The penguin is my villain, it’s my parents he killed

Superman: Well at least you knew your parents

Spiderman: Mine were murdered too

Wonder Woman: Mine were great and had to be as all psychologically scarred women are villains

Batman: True, I should have realized since I dated most of them. But then I was troubled and lonely in a dark and dangerous world

Superman: At least you belong to this world. Do you know how often I wondered if all my bits looked human? Would I crush my girlfriends with my super molecular structure? And why did I look like you and breathe oxygen coming from a planet that didn’t have a single goddam tree!

Spiderman: I had problems too. I was bullied for being a nerd, with only an aging Aunt and Uncle to guide me. One of whom was murdered, as if my parents weren’t enough

Batman: Geek chic is all the rage.  I only had a single butler who was strangely good with gadgets

Superman: And shedloads of money

Batman: Which is pretty mandatory when you aren’t born with any superpowers. Do you know how many instruction manuals I’ve had to read?

Wonder Woman: You read the instructions?

Batman: Had to, ever since I electrocuted the meat and veg

Spiderman: Ouch

Wonder Woman: The suit works. Inbuilt muscles?

Superman: We’re all in tight lycra. Showing these ripped and bulging muscles just makes me feel like a piece of meat

Spiderman: I need a codpiece

Wonder Woman: Think that’s rough? Try blow drying your hair into this fabulous style whilst twirling round in under ten seconds. It takes work. Don’t even get me started on fighting cellulite.

Superman: Phone Booths don’t exist anymore. I got my head stuck in my tights in a toilet cubicle that no one had flushed in hours

Batman: You didn’t think to flush it?

Superman: I probably should have

Spiderman: Ain’t hindsight grand?

Wonder Woman: So are we going to defeat the evil Penguin or are we going to delve into our childhoods once more?

Batman: It was a dark and solitary time. You just can’t brush it under the carpet like it doesn’t exist.

Spiderman: It formed the man I am today

Superman: And the man I hope to be. I relate to the misfits who don’t quite feel they belong

Wonder Woman: And yet you’re all handsome, tall, caucasian and brought up by someone who cared about you.

Superman: Meaning?

Wonder Woman: Some people might say you won the jackpot

Spiderman: If we’d been short, deformed and ugly we wouldn’t be the hero’s we are today

Batman: and that’s why the Penguin has to die

Wonder Woman: No it’s because he’s evil

Superman: Yes that too. There really is no place for him in this world

Spiderman: Wonder why he chose a penguin? Not exactly known for killing are they?   How did bears become cuddly?

Batman: While you ponder that Spiderman, I have a job to do.

Superman: Too late, I’ve captured him.

Batman: When?

Superman: Just now when Spiderman was dithering

Spiderman: I was pondering

Batman: He was my villain damn you

Superman: You can take the next one

Wonder Woman: That would be Lex Luther

Batman: I’m on it. Where is he?

Superman: Russia

Batman: Hmm the cost of fuel…

Spiderman: And global warming

Superman: I’d better go

Batman: Sure. I’ll get the one after that

Spiderman: I hope he’s in Gotham

Batman: Me too. The team works well

Wonder Woman: Good old Superman. Got to go guys, my onesie needs me

Spiderman: Thanks Wonder Woman.

Batman: You were testing out your codpiece weren’t you

Spiderman: I thought it didn’t show

Batman: It kind of deflated after the onesie comment

Henry VIII – The most desperate King?

Henry: Walk with me advisors, whatever names you own

Simon: I am Simon your Worshipfulness. Simon of the Seven Sceptres.   I fought with you at the battle of Boulogne. I am honoured to be walking at your side

Henry: By my side? Get back you foul smelling miscreant

Stanley: I’m Stanley. I’ve merely served 17 years at court however Stanley is quite long to remember at two syllables.

Henry: Silence fool!. I want to know how I’m viewed by my people after that unfortunate incident with the tomato

Stanley: That was accidental Sire, I saw the lady trip myself which sent the officious vegetable flying

Simon: To be sure, your people adore you Sire. They gaze at you longingly, hoping for any projection of spittle that might pass your lips. Your battles, all victorious

Stanley: And your glorious search for marital bliss, endless

Henry: Witches all of them. Plus a few slipped the block.  You think I’ll be remembered for them?

Stanley: No Sire. It was a mere situational peculiarity

Henry: Indeed. I was greatly wronged

Simon: Heart wrenching for such a glorious leader. The Rays of God himself shine joyously upon your shining visage

Henry: It is true.  I was called Adonis, fair of calf.

Stanley: Indeed Sire. A long time ago

Henry: Not so long ago

Simon: No Sire, thou art fair of calf and muscular still

Stanley: No one will ever wonder how such fair calves support such a grand frame.

Henry: Grand indeed

Simon: And such a glorious thatch of red hair

Stanley: that shines like the most succulent of carrots.

Henry: Hmmm enough. I want to be known as a fair and wise king, not just devastatingly handsome. All must come to love me such that echoing my names makes babes weep that they will never know my grandeur.

Simon: And your humility

Henry: That too

Stanley: Piety

Henry: ah yes, I do pray to God.  It isn’t cursing

Simon: Charity

Henry: At times. To my friends. Such wonderful parties.

Stanley: Insightful

Henry: In many ways

Stanley: Yes sire.   Material possessions will never nourish the soul

Henry: Quite so

Stanley: Indeed Sire how your people rejoice for the treasury that flourishes like a field of golden daffodils, Ruby roses, and sapphire bluebells. A glory of colour

Henry: A beautiful picture, kept safely with me

Simon: And the love your people bear you Sire

Stanley: Is the strength of a glorious candle flame that flickers on the raft of a stormy ocean

Henry: You think me stupid boy? I could easily extinguish you too

Simon: He meant the strength of the ocean your Majesty

Stanley: Indeed. My expression was not quite accurate Sire, from the depths of my soul I apologise

Henry: You tire me. Leave

Stanley: Yes Sir

FX: Door closes

Simon: You could have got us killed. Bloody candle!

Stanley: Yes it was stupid of me

Simon: It’s dangerous to be so careless, we must not speak our minds

Stanley: Indeed only to each other must we acknowledge that King Henry ‘s most memorable feat is the lengths he went, to get a shag from the Boleyn woman

Simon: An entire nation in turmoil. If only he’d been satisfied with Good Time Gertie from the Fish and Spear

Stanley: As fine a filly as any. And you get used to the scratching after a month or so