FX: A man groans in anguish. Telephone buttons are pushed.
FX: Ring Ring
Phone: Hello, you are through to the Samaritans.
Man: Thank God, look I really need to talk to…
Phone: If you would like to voice a complaint about Brexit, Southern Trains, middle aged men in skinny jeans please press one.
Man: Ah what?
Phone: If you are having difficulty with your family or partner please press 2. If you are full of despair, please press 3.
Man: Please I need to talk to…
Phone: Thank you for phoning the Samaritans. So that we can identify you please let us know the second to last letter of your mothers maiden name.
Man: You’re not supposed to know me. Isn’t that the point?
Phone: To speak to an advisor we recommend that you provide the second last letter of your mothers maiden name.
Man: Oh for Pete’s sake
Man: Now look I need to talk to…
Phone: That is the incorrect letter.
Man: (angrily) No it’s not!
Phone: Yes it is. Please try again and if unsuccessful please press 4,5 or 6 hashtag semi colon 9.
FX: BEEEEEEEEEEP. Silence
Phone: You pressed 4.
Man: Yes I did, can I speak to someone now?
Phone: Please try pressing the off button for 10 seconds on the phone to reboot it. If that is not the answer you were looking for please try 6 hashtag semi colon 9.
Man: Oh for the love of…
FX: Beep beep beep beep
Man: Hello, am I through now?
Phone: For quality and training purposes this call may be recorded. Please note that we will never disclose any of your personal details to the sun, the daily mail, or any other tabloid, unless it’s in the public interest to know.
Man: (Despairingly). Please I need to talk to someone.
Phone: Sorry, due to high call turnover you are now 5th in the queue, but your phone call is very important to us, so please stay on the line and we will try to connect you as soon as possible.
FX: Theme tune to Rainbow.
Man: Oh my God. He sighs.
FX: The music stops.
Man: Hello hello are you there now?
FX: The music starts up again.
Man: Gees you son’s of…
FX: The music stops.
Man: Ah Thank God, hello is there anyone there?
Phone: Did you know at the Samaritans we now have an automated chat room where you can get hold of us at any time, twenty four seven.
Man: (yelling) I don’t care. Please let me talk to somebody.
Phone: Thank you for phoning the Samaritans, if there is anything else we can do, please press 12 on your telephone keypad, otherwise you may disconnect.
FX: Call is disconnected
FX: Phone is bashed into many small pieces.
Man: O.K. I think that worked. Feeling better already.