Apple a day…

DOCTOR: Mr Turnbull, can you please come into the surgery.

MR TURBULL 1: Yes Doctor.

DOCTOR: Do have a seat.

FX: A door closes. A squeaky chair is sat on.

DOCTOR: Well we’ve done blood tests, an MRI and ultra sound and we now have an official diagnosis.

MR TURNBULL 1:  Yes Doctor?

DOCTOR: It would appear that you have two heads.

MR TURNBULL 2: ah der

Doctor: (sternly) Who said that? Ah there you are. I didn’t see you when you weren’t looking at me.

MR TURNBULL 1: With all due respect Doctor, I would have thought that was obvious

DOCTOR: Don’t be arrogant with me young man I’m the professional here.

MR TURNBULL 2: Well can e’ go? I want rid o’ im.

DOCTOR: What? amputate?


DOCTOR:  Well I hadn’t considered that. Are you fully aware how messy that’s going to be? It’s a lot of blood you know. Someone might trip.

MR TURNBULL 2: Appy to take em for a ride. E has to go.

MR TURNBULL 1: Shut up, you should. And where’d you pick that ridiculous accent up from?

MR TURNBULL 2:  Arrr arrr

FX:  Sound of gnashing teeth and then a slap.


MR TURNBULL 1:  Serves you right for trying to bite me.

DOCTOR:  (sternly) Mr Turnbull please. This is a house of medicine.

MR TURNBULL 1: Sorry Doctor, he gets out of control sometimes.

DOCTOR:  Hmmm well I will have to look into the procedure and see who isn’t on holiday to do it. That includes public holidays and general days of feeling a bit peaky. You meanwhile have to decide which head to lose.

MR TURNBULL 2: I ‘ave to stay as I’m the bigger head.

MR TURNBULL 1: But the smaller brain.

FX:  Sound of gnashing teeth and then a slap.

DOCTOR:  Mr Turnbull if you don’t control yourself I am going to send you to the Proctologist as punishment.

MR TURNBULL 1: We’ve already seen him, seems I talk down there as well.

MR TURNBULL 2: Aye Barry’s me friend, despite his breath.

DOCTOR:  Yes well. It’s a common complaint. Before I look into it are you sure about surgery? Surely 2 heads are better than 1.

MR TURNBULL 1: Not if I’m stuck with him. You should see his taste in women.

MR TURNBULL 2:  At least I like women.

DOCTOR:  Interesting. Well you’d better go Mr Turnbull, you have some thinking to do.

MR TURNBULL 2: Bit of a no brainer.

MR TURNBULL 1: He was asking us both.

FX:  A very unpleasant sound.

DOCTOR: My word! What was that?

MR TURNBULL 2: Barry’s vote’s wi me.

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