The Name’s…

M: Bond

JAMES: Yes M

M: Spectre is onto you

JAMES: How?

M: Because you keep introducing yourself as Bond

JAMES: Hmm they are cleverer than I thought

M: You must go under cover

JAMES: Fine

M: No I mean properly under cover. Not like Cannes.

JAMES: What was wrong with Cannes?

M: You were identified too easily.

JAMES: How?

MONEYPENNY: I’m afraid every woman on the beach remembers your blue shorts.

M: Thank you Moneypenny

MONEYPENNY: One woman only remembered when Spectre’s henchmen stuffed several socks into the trunks.

JAMES: Really? How many pairs.

MONEYPENNY: At least 5.

JAMES: Huh, is that all?

M: They were sports socks James, the little ones. Never the less you must be properly under cover this time.

JAMES: Don’t worry M, I have the perfect sombrero

M: You’ve used it before and the union jack hat band is a dead give away. Think more creatively, something completely unlike you.

JAMES: Ummm a priest?

M: A woman

MONEYPENNY: He could never pull that off.

JAMES: Correct.  I’m 100% pumping testosterone.

M: Act James act

JAMES: Ahem (high pitched). Hello my name is Bond, Jane Bond.

M: The voice is good but the name isn’t much of a creative leap is it.

JAMES: Janine?

M: No

JAMES: Janet?

M: No

MONEYPENNY: How about Jo Jo Bondage?

JAMES: No

M: Perfect.

MONEYPENNY: Come with me James you need to get kitted out.

JAMES: Great, new weapons.

MONEYPENNY: Killer heels.

M: Remember James, you are no longer a man. You must think, act and behave like a woman.

JAMES: (high pitched) Don’t worry M. I have everything under control.

M: Good luck.

 

TOUGH GUY: Well hey there pretty lady.

JAMES: (high pitched)hey there tough guy. My name is Bondage, Jo Jo Bondage.

TOUGH GUY: Say Jo Jo, have you seen a guy wearing these swimming trunks?

JAMES: (high pitched) No Sir, I’m sure I would have remembered.

TOUGH GUY: Yeah most women seem to. Say can I buy you a drink?

JAMES: (high pitched) Why sure.

TOUGH GUY: What’ll it be.

JAMES: (high pitched) Vodka Martini please

TOUGH GUY: shaken or stirred?

JAMES: (high pitched) Erm shaken?

FX:      BANG

JAMES: Darn

FX: BANG

FX: Two bodies fall to the floor.

MONEYPENNY: James James are you alright?

JAMES: No Money penny I’ve been shot.

MONEYPENNY: Does this help?

JAMES: No, the bullet’s in my side not down there.

MONEYPENNY: Sorry James I just went for the first thing that was throbbing.

JAMES: A miscalculation on your part. Here help me up

MONEYPENNY: James we must get you to the hospital.

JAMES: No money, two kidneys is superfluous, I just need ice and an aspirin.

MONEYPENNY: But there’s a gaping hole.

JAMES: Women love scars.

MONEYPENNY: James you’re stumbling.

JAMES: You’re right Money, I’m worse than I thought. I can’t go on.

MONEYPENNY: You can James, you can.

JAMES: No I can’t. Take these heels off me.

FX: Two shoes fall to the floor.

JAMES: Ah that’s better. Would someone get this wheelchair out the way?

BLOWFIELD: That isn’t very politically correct of you Mr Bond.

JAMES: How dare you! I’m as sensitive as a fat cripple with homo tendencies.

BLOWFIELD: I’m doing this for all wheelchair users.

MONEYPENNY: Mr Blowfield, please lower the gun.

JAMES: I supposed you expect me to talk.

BLOWFIELD: No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.

FX: BANG

MONEYPENNY: Oh no James, he’s shot your right arm off.

JAMES: Very observant Moneypenny, but it doesn’t matter, I’m omnidexterous, see?

FX: A cat screeches.

BLOWFIELD: Very clever Mr Bond, to use my cat as a body shield.

JAMES: That’s right Blowfield, one false move and your pussy is licked.

BLOWFIELD: First wheelchair users, then poor defenceless animals, have you no shame Mr Bond?

JAMES: Lower your gun Blowfield, I’m warning you

BLOWFIELD: Can you at least not hold him by his tail.

JAMES: But you can get a better swing….

FX: Cat screeches again and then CLUNK

MONEYPENNY: Well done James, you’ve knocked out Blowfield

JAMES: Correct Money, the cat’s got his tongue. However we must scram, the worst is yet to come.

MONEYPENNY: Scaramanga?

JAMES: No. RSPCA.

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