Man with a Mission

NARRATOR: He rode far and wide, all over his vast kingdom, at times even sharing his incredible physique to inspire his own people. For he was a real man. A man on a mission. And at last he had arrived to the mystical Seer, Raspulin.

PUTIN: Raspulin, are you there?

RASPULIN: I am here Vladimir Putin, what is it that you seek?

PUTIN: I seek a personality Raspulin.

RASPULINE: You have a personality Putin.

PUTIN: No I want a nice one.

RASPULIN: But why?

PUTIN: I want to be remembered as Putin the Great, not Putin the Terrible.

RASPULIN: What do you care? You have many years in power yet.

PUTIN: Indeed and I will see to that. But I have been contemplating my legacy.

RASPULIN: To win your people over, surely you merely have to smile?

PUTIN: It scares people.

RASPULIN: But you removed the gold teeth

PUTIN: I have. But I am not pleased. It is more a sneer.

RASPULIN: Hmm I guess the icy stare doesn’t help.

PUTIN: What icy stare? You say I have an icy stare? I would like you to clarify that statement very carefully.

RASPULIN: I said nicey chair. Oh look a lovely rock to sit on. Joints aren’t what they used to be.

PUTIN: You distinctly said…

RASPULIN: What do you need a personality for? You are King of all the Russians, with your people’s devoted loyalty. Power is an aphrodisiac to all the young ladies, and of course wealth. Lots and lots of wealth. Lots and lots and lots of…

PUTIN: Yes I get the message Raspulin, but that money is necessary.

RASPULIN: For what?

PUTIN: Well you haven’t charged me yet. I will need money for that.

RASPULIN: That may not be necessary Putin, I will not charge for what may be fruitless.

PUTIN: I tell you I must have a nice personality. People love me because I’m strong, fearless and because they may quietly disappear if they don’t. But I want to be loved for my charm.

RASPULIN: Empathy Putin is something you are born with, charm comes from empathy and that is something I cannot teach you.

PUTIN: That is not true. Hitler could be charming but he was a cold ruthless genocidal maniac. A true leader.

RASPULIN: Have you talked to your people, heard what they have to say?

PUTIN: I don’t enjoy talking to people.

RASPULIN: That makes it harder to win them over. Have you considered allocating more money to their infrastructure and general well being? Increasing the state pension for instance?

PUTIN: Don’t be ridiculous.

RASPULIN: Cabbage soup can taste a little dull 365 days of the year.

PUTIN: You are right. I will distribute a gift from myself to all the Russians.

RASPULIN: Wonderful Putin, what will it be?

PUTIN: Potato’s.

RASPULIN: Well it’s a start.

PUTIN: And it’s a finale too.

RASPULIN: Not sure that will raise you to “great” status.

PUTIN: Then what must I do? How will people learn to like me again? How can I win them with my charm?

RASPULIN: The same way that people the world over win each other, the greatest of all Russian inventions.

PUTIN: Tell me.

RASPULIN: Vodka

PUTIN: Thank you Raspulin, I will try that. I did note you interrupted me earlier.

NARRATOR: And as Putin moved his icy stare away, he left the great Mystic, safe in the knowledge that the humble potato would secure his future as a beloved and great Leader. And just to ensure he could charm his people with his winning ways, he ordered so much vodka that unfortunately there was only 5 potato’s left to distribute to the general populace. But they were nice old ladies and they had knitted him a lovely woolly vest that fitted snuggly when the weather turned nipply.

Jack the Stripper

FLORA: Quick Maude, it’s getting dark and there’s a heavy fog rising.

MAUDE: I’m coming Flora, I know how dangerous it is around these old Victorian Streets.

FLORA: Quick this way, it’s faster.

MAUDE: Are you sure?

FLORA: Hurry Maude, oh no!

MAUDE: What is it?

FLORA: Do you see up ahead? That shadowy outline of a man ?

MAUDE: With the top hat? Blocking the lane with his carriage?

FLORA: Ah did you see that flash of…

MAUDE: Yes I saw that glint of….

FLORA & MAUDE: sequins

MAUDE: Nooooo

FLORA: It’s Jack the Stripper

JACK: (nasal voice) Hit it

FX: Opening bars to Hot Chocolates “You Sexy Thing”

MAUDE: Let’s go back Flora

FLORA: We can’t because of that large wolf

FX: Woof Woof

FLORA: We’re trapped!

MAUDE: Quick grab that penny farthing

FLORA: In this skirt?  Clearly designed by a man

MAUDE: Where is a phone box when you need it?

FLORA: I don’t know Maude as it hasn’t been invented yet.

MAUDE: Really? So how are we listening to hot chocolate?

FLORA: Oh did you see the way he just flung that cape on the ground?

MAUDE: Shocking. Someone has to wash that.

FLORA: Ah well. So how’s your mother Maude?

MAUDE: Not good, her hips bothering her.

FLORA: Looks he’s got his boot caught in his trousers

FX: Crash

FLORA: Here let me help you up

JACK: Ah Thank you

MAUDE: Well I have to say he’s very well mannered

FLORA: And I do quite like a man in a monocle

MAUDE: He’d be quite a catch if he wasn’t such a DIRTY PERVERT.

FLORA: Has a nice carriage though. Bit of money in the family. You’ve heard the rumours.

MAUDE: I have. (Yawns), he hasn’t even got his hat off yet.

FLORA: Oh he leaves that on

MAUDE: Really how do you know

FLORA: Erm, it was in the papers I think

MAUDE: I don’t recall that. Why did you suggest this road?

FLORA: Maude, what are you implying?

MAUDE: Well Flora maybe you get your kicks from this type of thing.

FLORA: That’s outrageous!

MAUDE: Well you are looking very intently at his long johns

FLORA: Because it’s all so shocking

MAUDE: (Calling out) Can we go soon? I’ve got a sick mother at home.

JACK: And the grand finale…..

FX: Gasp then silence

MAUDE: The rumours wrong. He’s not royalty. Not exactly the crown jewels here.

JACK: Hey, It’s a very cold night.

FX: Police whistle.

JACK: Got to scram, was lovely meeting you ladies.

MAUDE: I’d rather have been knitting

FLORA: Bye Jack

JACK: Till next time

MAUDE: Ha I knew it

The Name’s…

M: Bond

JAMES: Yes M

M: Spectre is onto you

JAMES: How?

M: Because you keep introducing yourself as Bond

JAMES: Hmm they are cleverer than I thought

M: You must go under cover

JAMES: Fine

M: No I mean properly under cover. Not like Cannes.

JAMES: What was wrong with Cannes?

M: You were identified too easily.

JAMES: How?

MONEYPENNY: I’m afraid every woman on the beach remembers your blue shorts.

M: Thank you Moneypenny

MONEYPENNY: One woman only remembered when Spectre’s henchmen stuffed several socks into the trunks.

JAMES: Really? How many pairs.

MONEYPENNY: At least 5.

JAMES: Huh, is that all?

M: They were sports socks James, the little ones. Never the less you must be properly under cover this time.

JAMES: Don’t worry M, I have the perfect sombrero

M: You’ve used it before and the union jack hat band is a dead give away. Think more creatively, something completely unlike you.

JAMES: Ummm a priest?

M: A woman

MONEYPENNY: He could never pull that off.

JAMES: Correct.  I’m 100% pumping testosterone.

M: Act James act

JAMES: Ahem (high pitched). Hello my name is Bond, Jane Bond.

M: The voice is good but the name isn’t much of a creative leap is it.

JAMES: Janine?

M: No

JAMES: Janet?

M: No

MONEYPENNY: How about Jo Jo Bondage?

JAMES: No

M: Perfect.

MONEYPENNY: Come with me James you need to get kitted out.

JAMES: Great, new weapons.

MONEYPENNY: Killer heels.

M: Remember James, you are no longer a man. You must think, act and behave like a woman.

JAMES: (high pitched) Don’t worry M. I have everything under control.

M: Good luck.

 

TOUGH GUY: Well hey there pretty lady.

JAMES: (high pitched)hey there tough guy. My name is Bondage, Jo Jo Bondage.

TOUGH GUY: Say Jo Jo, have you seen a guy wearing these swimming trunks?

JAMES: (high pitched) No Sir, I’m sure I would have remembered.

TOUGH GUY: Yeah most women seem to. Say can I buy you a drink?

JAMES: (high pitched) Why sure.

TOUGH GUY: What’ll it be.

JAMES: (high pitched) Vodka Martini please

TOUGH GUY: shaken or stirred?

JAMES: (high pitched) Erm shaken?

FX:      BANG

JAMES: Darn

FX: BANG

FX: Two bodies fall to the floor.

MONEYPENNY: James James are you alright?

JAMES: No Money penny I’ve been shot.

MONEYPENNY: Does this help?

JAMES: No, the bullet’s in my side not down there.

MONEYPENNY: Sorry James I just went for the first thing that was throbbing.

JAMES: A miscalculation on your part. Here help me up

MONEYPENNY: James we must get you to the hospital.

JAMES: No money, two kidneys is superfluous, I just need ice and an aspirin.

MONEYPENNY: But there’s a gaping hole.

JAMES: Women love scars.

MONEYPENNY: James you’re stumbling.

JAMES: You’re right Money, I’m worse than I thought. I can’t go on.

MONEYPENNY: You can James, you can.

JAMES: No I can’t. Take these heels off me.

FX: Two shoes fall to the floor.

JAMES: Ah that’s better. Would someone get this wheelchair out the way?

BLOWFIELD: That isn’t very politically correct of you Mr Bond.

JAMES: How dare you! I’m as sensitive as a fat cripple with homo tendencies.

BLOWFIELD: I’m doing this for all wheelchair users.

MONEYPENNY: Mr Blowfield, please lower the gun.

JAMES: I supposed you expect me to talk.

BLOWFIELD: No Mr Bond, I expect you to die.

FX: BANG

MONEYPENNY: Oh no James, he’s shot your right arm off.

JAMES: Very observant Moneypenny, but it doesn’t matter, I’m omnidexterous, see?

FX: A cat screeches.

BLOWFIELD: Very clever Mr Bond, to use my cat as a body shield.

JAMES: That’s right Blowfield, one false move and your pussy is licked.

BLOWFIELD: First wheelchair users, then poor defenceless animals, have you no shame Mr Bond?

JAMES: Lower your gun Blowfield, I’m warning you

BLOWFIELD: Can you at least not hold him by his tail.

JAMES: But you can get a better swing….

FX: Cat screeches again and then CLUNK

MONEYPENNY: Well done James, you’ve knocked out Blowfield

JAMES: Correct Money, the cat’s got his tongue. However we must scram, the worst is yet to come.

MONEYPENNY: Scaramanga?

JAMES: No. RSPCA.

The Dilemma of Sitting Bull

FX: A soft drum beat.

RAGING STALLION: How Sitting Bull.

SITTING BULL: How young Cinicha, Son of Roaring River.

CYRIL: Howdee Dodee Sitting Bull.

SITTING BULL: Hmmm How young Cyril, adopted Pale Face. Please sit. Today you are no longer boys. Today you are both men. You get your new name. You Cinicha is now known as Raging Stallion.

RAGING STALLION: Thank you Sitting Bull. Is big Honour.

CYRIL: What about me? What is my new name? What is it? I’ve had some ideas.

RAGING STALLION: You young Cyril will be known as cross…

CYRIL: Yes Cross, angry, furious

SITTING BULL: eyed pigeon.

CYRIL: Yesss. Erm what?

SITTING BULL: Cross Eyed pigeon.

CYRIL: So he gets Raging Stallion and I get Cross eyed pigeon?

SITTING BULL: Pigeon makes good messenger.

CYRIL: And a cross eyed one?

SITTING BULL:  Tend to go in circles.

CYRIL: So I’m good for nothing.

SITTING BULL: Some men are born great, some have it thrust upon them, but for many of us. We just are.

CYRIL: Are what?

SITTING BULL: There.

RAGING STALLION: Cross eye. Be still. There be many pigeons therefore you may have many partners.

CYRIL: Hey yeah.

SITTING BULL: No cross eye. Many pigeon means, many pies.

CYRIL: Awww that’s not fair. Can I’ve another name?

SITTING BULL: Squealing piglet?

CYRIL: No.   Another.

SITTING BULL: Bandy – legged Bandicoot?

CYRIL: Nooooo

SITTING BULL: Ah Whining Weasel!

CYRIL: I was thinking more Leaping Panther. Or Growling Bear

SITTING BULL:  Raging stallion kill 3 boar. What you kill?

CYRIL: A squirrel.

RAGING STALLION:  He sat on it. Then took it and nursed it.

CYRIL: So! Why can’t a warrior be a vegetarian?

SITTING BULL: You kill to eat, or go pick berries.

RAGING STALLION: He faints at sight of blood.

CYRIL: (furious) That’s not true! (quieter) I have allergies.

SITTING BULL: Name remains.

CYRIL: No Sitting Bull. Please give me a chance.

SITTING BULL: Then you must travel three leagues west to the land of the mohawks and kill their sacred leader Rampant Badger. Bring me his bloodied heart.

CYRIL: eeewwww.

SITTING BULL:  Name remains.

CYRIL: Fine I’ll do it.

SITTING BULL: Have courage pigeon.

CYRIL: I don’t need it. I’m off.

FX: Sound of footsteps.

RAGING STALLION: Sitting Bull, Pigeon has not returned for 2 weeks now.

SITTING BULL: He has much to prove. What is that on the horizon?

RAGING STALLION: He returns! Pigeon my brother, what news?

SITTING BULL: You look much thinner pigeon. All well?

CYRIL: All well Sitting Bull. Here is the heart.

RAGING STALLION: Well done Pigeon.

SITTING BULL: Hmm heart, very large.

CYRIL: He was a giant of a man, he fought bravely.

SITING BULL: Heart is buffalo’s, like one seen in pale face butcher.

CYRIL: That’s not true.

SITTING BULL: Rampant Badger only five foot. This heart bigger than his head.

CYRIL: Aw well it wasn’t my fault. It’s been so cloudy, I couldn’t get my sundial to work.

SITTING BULL: No excuse. Tracking skills?

CYRIL: Played havoc with my hay fever.

SITTING BULL: You fail Cross Eyed.

CYRIL: I didn’t fail. I showed ingenuity.

SITTING BULL: No Cross-eye. Idiocy. Name remains.

FX: Cyril wails

CYRIL: It wasn’t my fault. This wolf kept following me.

SITTING BULL: Ah, Wolves are murderous. How you survive Cross Eye?

CYRIL: I played my pan pipe. It liked to boogie.

SITTING BULL: Very wise Cross Eyed. Now Cross Eye must die.

CYRIL: What? why?

SITTING BULL: You now known as Dances with Wolves.

CYRIL: Gees, really? How about the Wolverine?

SITTING BULL: Do not push it, or back to cross-eyed.

A Very Special Relationship

REPORTER: Well it’s an extremely momentous day as the new Prime Minister of Great Britain, Mr Jeremy Corbyn meets the President of the United States, Mr Donald Trump. Here they come now.

REPORTER:  Mr Trump, how was your meeting with Mr Corbyn?

TRUMP:  The United Kingdom and the United States has always enjoyed a special relationship. I think we’ve taken that to new levels today.

CORBYN:  We didn’t see eye to eye on many things…

TRUMP: Anything

CORBYN: But the biscuits were nice.

TRUMP: Not enough chocolate.

REPORTER: Do you think you can work together with such different foreign policies?

TRUMP: Nuke him

CORBYN: What about peace, love and understanding?

TRUMP:  Awww you’re so special you have just left the happy clappy bus.

CORBYN: Did you see that? Did you see that bullying? Well at least I’m not Putin’s puppet.

TRUMP: You’d have terrorists shoot your own citizens.

CORBYN: I could talk them out of it.

TRUMP: You couldn’t talk an anorexic out of a crispy cream donut.

CORBYN: I could.  I have empathy.

TRUMP: God you’re such a pussy, I just want to…

CORBYN: Grab me?

TRUMP: Too right, by your scrawny…..

REPORTER: Now onto trade Donald, do you think you would be able to work a trade deal with the UK?

TRUMP: Depends if it’s in the best interest of America.

CORBYN: Mr Trump is all about self interest.

TRUMP: Let’s be clear here. I’m all for the UK sticking their finger up to the EU. I like it when countries stick their finger up, and sometimes I feel the urge to rotate on that, however at the end of the day, I ain’t likely to sign no deal. Unless it’s a golf course in Scotland.

CORBYN: Which has completely ruined the landscape.

TRUMP: Bullshit.

CORBYN: He completely ignored planning permission.

TRUMP: I ain’t gonna let a load of bureaucrats dictate to me. Hell I don’t even pay taxes, but I employ a lot of people. What do you do Jeremy?

CORBYN: I like camping. And bunnies.

TRUMP: I bet you do.

REPORTER: Now that brings us nicely onto the topic of climate change…

TRUMP: Myth

CORBYN: Scientifically proven.

TRUMP: Doesn’t exist.

CORBYN: We should all be riding bicycles and giving back to our Earth mother. I like daisies.

TRUMP: I like Florida sunshine as it beats down on my SUV

CORBYN: Global warming is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. We are all going to fry to death.

TRUMP: I ain’t gonna do not frying. I’m the President of the USA and I’m going straight to heaven because I said so.

CORBYN: The sheer hubris of the man.

TRUMP: Who you calling useless?

CORBYN: I said hubris. Don’t you know the word?

TRUMP: Course I do.

CORBYN: What does it mean?

TRUMP: I just know

REPORTER: So is it fair to say you see UK and US relations as strained right now?

CORBYN: Strained is a strong word. We both enjoyed looking at photos of Ivanka.

TRUMP: We sure did, she’s a beautiful girl.

CORBYN: And it was all perfectly wholesome.

TRUMP: It sure was, are you implying otherwise?

CORBYN: Funny how you leapt to that implication

TRUMP: Why I’m gonna show you

FX:       CRASH BANG THUMP

REPORTER: WOW, well it looks like Jeremy is giving a right thrashing to Donald Trump, can you believe it?. I guess all that cycling and tent pitching has given him some powerful biceps.

TRUMP: Ahhhhh

MILANIA: Wake up Donald, wake up.

TRUMP: Ah Milania, I just had the worst nightmare.

MILANIA: Did you baby?

TRUMP: I dreamt I was taking a beating by this weird hippy dude.

MILANIA: It was just a dream Darling. We all know you are a big, tough swinging dick around here.

TRUMP: You’re goddamn right Milania. I’ve gotta show people what America’s made of.

MILANIA: That’s right Donald.

TRUMP: I’m gonna show them all.

MILANIA: How Donald?

TRUMP: You up for another nude photoshoot?

MILANIA: ahhhh

TRUMP: Don’t worry baby, there won’t be fur or handcuffs

MILANIA: OK

TRUMP: I’m thinking furry handcuffs. Tough and sexy.

MILANIA: Whatever you want Donald. But I’m from Slovenia not America.

TRUMP: You’re all American to me baby, cause I’m the president and I just said so. I’ll just run it past my friend Vlad. But I think he’ll like it.