NARRATOR: He rode far and wide, all over his vast kingdom, at times even sharing his incredible physique to inspire his own people. For he was a real man. A man on a mission. And at last he had arrived to the mystical Seer, Raspulin.
PUTIN: Raspulin, are you there?
RASPULIN: I am here Vladimir Putin, what is it that you seek?
PUTIN: I seek a personality Raspulin.
RASPULINE: You have a personality Putin.
PUTIN: No I want a nice one.
RASPULIN: But why?
PUTIN: I want to be remembered as Putin the Great, not Putin the Terrible.
RASPULIN: What do you care? You have many years in power yet.
PUTIN: Indeed and I will see to that. But I have been contemplating my legacy.
RASPULIN: To win your people over, surely you merely have to smile?
PUTIN: It scares people.
RASPULIN: But you removed the gold teeth
PUTIN: I have. But I am not pleased. It is more a sneer.
RASPULIN: Hmm I guess the icy stare doesn’t help.
PUTIN: What icy stare? You say I have an icy stare? I would like you to clarify that statement very carefully.
RASPULIN: I said nicey chair. Oh look a lovely rock to sit on. Joints aren’t what they used to be.
PUTIN: You distinctly said…
RASPULIN: What do you need a personality for? You are King of all the Russians, with your people’s devoted loyalty. Power is an aphrodisiac to all the young ladies, and of course wealth. Lots and lots of wealth. Lots and lots and lots of…
PUTIN: Yes I get the message Raspulin, but that money is necessary.
RASPULIN: For what?
PUTIN: Well you haven’t charged me yet. I will need money for that.
RASPULIN: That may not be necessary Putin, I will not charge for what may be fruitless.
PUTIN: I tell you I must have a nice personality. People love me because I’m strong, fearless and because they may quietly disappear if they don’t. But I want to be loved for my charm.
RASPULIN: Empathy Putin is something you are born with, charm comes from empathy and that is something I cannot teach you.
PUTIN: That is not true. Hitler could be charming but he was a cold ruthless genocidal maniac. A true leader.
RASPULIN: Have you talked to your people, heard what they have to say?
PUTIN: I don’t enjoy talking to people.
RASPULIN: That makes it harder to win them over. Have you considered allocating more money to their infrastructure and general well being? Increasing the state pension for instance?
PUTIN: Don’t be ridiculous.
RASPULIN: Cabbage soup can taste a little dull 365 days of the year.
PUTIN: You are right. I will distribute a gift from myself to all the Russians.
RASPULIN: Wonderful Putin, what will it be?
RASPULIN: Well it’s a start.
PUTIN: And it’s a finale too.
RASPULIN: Not sure that will raise you to “great” status.
PUTIN: Then what must I do? How will people learn to like me again? How can I win them with my charm?
RASPULIN: The same way that people the world over win each other, the greatest of all Russian inventions.
PUTIN: Tell me.
PUTIN: Thank you Raspulin, I will try that. I did note you interrupted me earlier.
NARRATOR: And as Putin moved his icy stare away, he left the great Mystic, safe in the knowledge that the humble potato would secure his future as a beloved and great Leader. And just to ensure he could charm his people with his winning ways, he ordered so much vodka that unfortunately there was only 5 potato’s left to distribute to the general populace. But they were nice old ladies and they had knitted him a lovely woolly vest that fitted snuggly when the weather turned nipply.