The Home Viewing

FX: Knock knock. A door creaks open.

Norma: Hello dears, can I help you?

Matt:  Ah hello, my name is Matthew and this is my fiancée Sunita. We were due to do a house viewing of your home but I’m afraid the agent hasn’t turned up.

Norma: Ah I see, do you want to come in?

Sunita:  Only if it’s alright with you, we wouldn’t want to intrude

Norma: Come in Sunita, I’m happy to show you round. I’m Norma.

Matt:  Thank you Norma.

FX:  Footsteps

Norma: This here is the kitchen,

Sunita:  Very nice and clean.

Norma: I like a well scrubbed house.

Sunita: me too.

FX:  Footsteps

Norma: And here is the first bedroom.

FX:  Chains rattle and there is a scream

Matt:  Good Lord, what was that?

Norma:  Oh you can ignore that. It’s just Barry.

Matt: Who’s Barry? He didn’t….erm sound of this world

Norma: He’s not dear, he’s our resident ghost. But he won’t harm you.

Sunita: This home is only ten years old Norma. Where did the chains come from?

Norma:  Oh that’s not chains dear, heaven forbid no. It’s handcuffs.

Matt: What happened ?

Norma: It’s nothing to worry about. Just a bit of S&M gone wrong that’s all. Was an accident. The firemen were right, should never play with fire.   Mind you was good training for where he is right now.

FX:  Rattle rattle ahhhh ahhhh

Norma: Oh shut up Barry

Matt:  Does he do that very often?

Norma: Not too often although he does like an audience. Let me show you upstairs.

Sunita: Ah well we should really be going.

Norma: Oh don’t let a little thing like Barry put you off. And trust me it was a little thing, and I had all those firemen round and I had to worry about him. Too cruel. Now up the stairs.

FX: Footsteps and creaking stairs.

Norma: This is the second bedroom.

FX: A low growl.

Matt: Please tell me that was the dog.

Norma: No dear, just the other half.

Matt: Is he dead too?

Norma: How did you know? His upper half was found in the next bedroom so he can make a bit of a nuisance in there too.

Matt: Sorry Norma, but we’d better get going.

Sunita: Quick Matt, down the stairs.

FX:  Sound of scuffling, a trip and crashing as they fall down the stairs.

Norma: Oh dear – not again. Always in a hurry, just like the agent. Well no point in dwelling on that, better start the cleaning.

FX:  A chainsaw starts up.


A Surprising Result

Interviewer: Mr Putin, Congratulations on your election win.

Putin: Thank you. It was a complete surprise.

Interviewer: Really?

Putin: (dead pan) Not really. I’m amazing.

Interviewer: And what would you say to critics who say that this wasn’t a fair democratic process? That you shut down any genuine opposition?

Putin: What critics are these? I need names.

Interviewer: Ah merely reports from outside of Russia.

Putin: I need names.

Interviewer: Sergei Skripal

Putin: He’s been taken care of.

Interviewer: So Russia did order the execution?

Putin: That was a nasty trick for which you will pay. Russia had nothing to do with his or his daughter’s assassination. It was orchestrated by England.

Interviewer: England has no motive to kill him.

Putin: It was done by England because I have said so. However as he was a traitor to Russia let that be a warning to all Russians.

Interviewer: So you confirm your involvement?

Putin: No. I do not. If you betray Russia there will be consequences. They may not come from Russia as we are very peace loving. But they will be there. Following your every move. I am a friend to all true Russians. They know that, which is why they voted for me.

Interviewer: Many times over I see.

Putin: They are enthusiastic.

Interviewer: You stated you wanted to continue with your great work.

Putin: Correct

Interviewer: What is that?

Putin: Running the country of course.

Interviewer: Do you intend to tackle widespread corruption?

Putin: There is no corruption in Russia.

Interviewer: How might you explain your $70bn net worth?

Putin: As one of my friends like to say, that is fake news.

Interviewer: I apologise. $71bn.

Putin: Closer. Wait, you have tricked me again. You are playing a dangerous game here Mr Interviewer.

Interviewer: Never Mr President, moving along, what big concerns will you be addressing in running the country?

Putin: Russia acknowledges it’s past, but it is time to embrace the future.

Interviewer: Wonderful Mr President, what do you propose?

Putin: Replacing all the old Lenin and Stalin statues.

Interviewer: With?

Putin: Me of course. Idiot.

Interviewer: Ah. Will that help ordinary Russians?

Putin: No Russians are ordinary. They are all unique and they must never forget…

Interviewer: Yes?

Putin: Who to vote for next time.   And the time after that.

Time to call in….

Mr Potts: Morning Barry, Morning Lorna and Gavin

Barry/Lorna/Gavin: Good morning Mr Potts

Mr Potts: I have called this meeting together because Head Office has sent us some consultants to work on efficient business process improvement. This is Mr Turnbull

Xavier: Call me Xavier please, thank you Mr Potts, and this is my team Bettina, Oliver and Sebastian. As Mr Potts stated, I am here to work on looking at processes working in your business and seeing if we can improve upon them to make them more efficient. What does that mean? I will speak to each of you in turn about what you do and you can tell me what you think can be done better.

Gavin: So are you just taking notes of what we say?

Xavier: No I’m also going to put it in a report and one of my team will make a pretty graph from it. We need to be agile about this.

Barry: Well the grapes come into me, Lorna here puts them in the wash machine and then Gavin packs the grapes whilst I forklift them into a truck.

Bettina: And what water do you use for cleaning the grapes?

Xavier: Great question Bettina, I like your thinking

Barry: Well we used to use Evian but now we use Peckham Spring

Xavier: Interesting, interesting, I’m not quite aware of that brand

Lorna: It’s excellent Mr Turnbull, sorry Xavier. It can wash several grapes at the same time

Sebastian: And where does the truck come in? Is there ever any spillage?

Xavier: Terrific question Sebastian, yes how do the grapes come in? Is there any spillage?

Gavin: Over there and no

Sebastian: And what if we moved the machine from there to here, so the truck can come to this point?

Kevin: Why?

Sebastian: Saving fuel

Xavier: Exactly Sebastian great point, and we are all totally into saving the planet in our company. We are for the next generation.

Lorna: Probably because we’d need to build a new docking station using cement that came from a factory in China that pumped out CO2 into the atmosphere before loading the cement onto a ship with large motors pumping out more pollution, not to mention the transportation from the dock to the wholesaler, retailer and eventually the customer

Xavier: Yes I think you are not quite seeing the bigger picture here

Lorna: How?

Xavier: Ha well I haven’t got all day to explain it to you

Oliver: And is your forklift truck electric, petrol or diesel based Mr…

Barry: Hitherington-Smythe

FX: Lorna and Gavin stifle a laugh with a coughing sound

Oliver: Mr Hitherington-Smythe.

Barry: Electric

Xavier: Well that’s great news, and I’m glad to see you guys think the same way as us

Barry: We’re like twins.

Xavier: Ha, sure

Bettina: And what about tea breaks? How often are those?

Gavin: Well we celebrate Christmas once a year so we treat ourselves to tea then

Xavier: Well that’s great news, team, that doesn’t seem excessive at all

Kevin: Sometimes we even have a jammie dodger

Xavier: Now lets just focus on that jammie dodger. Who brings in the jammie dodgers? And is that during work time?

Lorna: I get them during my lunchtime from the petty cash tin

Xavier: Great, great, now we’re getting somewhere. Where is that cash tin based?

Mr Potts: In my office

Xavier: Right, well what are we thinking team?

Sebastian: How much is in the tin?

Gavin: A fiver

Oliver: and how much is a packet of Jammie dodgers?

Xavier: And you have never thought to have Vanilla Creams?

Barry: No

Xavier: Why not? I love Vanilla Creams

Barry: We don’t

Xavier: OK, OK well I can’t push the point, but I’m wondering you know if Jammie dodgers is the most efficient use of that fiver?

Gavin: Well we sometimes save on toilet paper

Xavier: Excellent news! Did you hear that team? These guys are really thinking. So how do you save on your paper?

Gavin: We occasionally get these reports sent to us from Head Off…Ouch!

Mr Potts: Sorry Gavin, these muscle spasms in my arm are coming back.

Xavier: I’m so sorry Mr Potts, you better see a specialist we wouldn’t want that habit to get in the way of any of your efficient business processes would we?

Mr Potts: No Mr Turnbull we would not

Xavier: Xavier please, exactly so, exactly so. Well team have we got enough material here?

Sebastian: I think so

Xavier: Then it’s time to crank up the highly efficient software and show you guys some amazing graphs

Barry: Can’t wait

Xavier: You better believe it.

Barry: Do you mind if I ask a question?

Xavier: Go for it Mr Hitherington-Smythe

Barry: How much are you charging for this?

Xavier: Ha well you don’t need to worry about that, whatever we charge you’ll make up for in loads of savings in efficiency

Gavin: Well yes we’ll have toilet paper for year…ouch

The Habsburg Jaw

Arabella: Look Papa look, there’s a horrible monster stumbling our way

Father: Ah Arabella, what luck. Now smile your pretty smile for the man. With any luck you’ll catch his eye

Arabella: I don’t want to Papa, he looks frightful.

Father: No Arabella, he’s a Habsburg, from the most powerful and wealthy family in all of Europe. Try and make a good impression

Arabella: It won’t matter Papa, we aren’t nearly rich or closely related enough to attract his attention

Father: If I didn’t know any better, I’d say his famous jaw dropped upon seeing you

Arabella: He can’t help that Papa. Oh dear he’s coming our way.

Father: Flirt my little Arabella, the connections alone would secure us

Charles Habsburg: Hood Orning

Father: Ah Charles of Spain. It could be described as an awning or a hood you are quite right, but I usually call it a hat

Arabella: No, Papa.  Good Morning your Grace, so wonderful to see your fine figure today

Father: Apologies your Grace, I was a little confused

Charles:   Who have a ratty aisle

Father: I will find out your Grace but the land should no longer be infested with vermin after the last plague

Arabella: I thank you for your compliments Sir, it has been said before that I have a pretty smile

Father: Ah Sorry your Grace, my hearing you know, isnt’ quite what it was

Charles: ret me ive ou a rift

Father: Why sir? We have no intention to offend. Trust me there is no rift on our part

Arabella: Why your Grace, it is not necessary to give me a gift, merely favouring me with your attention is enough to warm my heart

Father: Ah yes, indeed. An interesting turn of phrase

Charles: I want to ive you a cock in your its

Father: I beg your pardon! How dare…

Arabella: Why kind Sir, I will only accept your locket for keeps if it has your miniature in it. Or a soft curly lock of your hair

Father: Well that’s most kind I dare say

Charles: tis fanny to rifle

Father: You fiend! My daughter is not for sale!

Arabella: I know tis merely a trifle, but it would mean a great deal to me.

Father: Ah yes it would mean a great deal to us both. Such a fiend, that man over there, be wary of him your grace

Charles: Thou ‘eat flushes turn me ard thou unruly disgrace

Father: Bloody disgraceful indeed this talk

Arabella: How sweet that my blushes warm your heart, am I truly fair of face?

Father: Ah, what kind words, now they are unraveled for my somewhat burning ears

Charles: I want to ‘avish your arse end & ‘ussy then rest on your fair hair

Father: Why Sir I’m going to give you the soundest thrashing of your…

Arabella: Sir there is no need to lavish me a garland of poesy to rest on my fair hair

Father: Good grief! Sir we are most grateful to you for flattering my daughter however she is unfortunately betrothed to another

Arabella: Am I?

Father: Yes Arabella, I’m sure my health could not survive this courtship

Charles: That is ‘ost unfortunate

Father: Well I understood that

Charles: I will ‘id you ‘ood day

Father: And a Good Day to you too Sir


Advisor: Well Sir Charles, how was your attentions received?

Charles: Not ‘rominsing

Advisor: Indeed? But you’re a Habsburg. Were you misunderstood again?

Charles: ‘Ompletely. The father seemed to understand, hut his daughter? Not at all

The Final Days of Rome


ROME: Dallas. How are you?

FX: kiss kiss

ROME: Excited about the show?

DALLAS: So excited I almost smiled

ROME: No Darling you mustn’t crack

DALLAS: Quite. Stephen Fry said some women feel that wrinkles show their history but that it wasn’t required for me because I was too vacuous to embrace it

ROME: That’s shocking. What did you reply?

DALLAS: What is vacuous?

ROME: I was wondering that too. At least you got to speak to Stephen Fry, he’s so funny. Did you get papped?

DALLAS: God I so hope so.

FX: Music starts

ROME: Oh Darling I just love a nude body stocking. Such a wonderful garment to show off the figure.

DALLAS: Yes. Not so useful during a period.

ROME: Or going to the bathroom

DALLAS: Well you just don’t, and one time I had this dreadful incident with a curry….

ROME: Ah what a beautiful lace ruff. Reminds me of one I bought made by street children in Bolivia

DALLAS: That is so good of you Rome, so they could earn money for their family instead of wasting time on reading and writing

ROME: Well I thought so, but then little Mumbai threw up on it.

DALLAS: So it got thrown out I suppose

ROME: Quite, Mumbai’s with some Gypsies now. I’m sure she’s happy enough.

DALLAS: Probably

ROME: Besides, I’m going to the Battersea Dogs Home charity event so I was hoping to pick up a pooch instead

DALLAS: Lucky you. I heard Benedict Cumberbatch was going to that

ROME: Really? Then I must purchase something spectacular

DALLAS: Exactly Darling, Tatler will be everywhere

ROME: Thank Goodness Daddy’s famous. I’d be quite useless otherwise

DALLAS: Oh Rome, look spiky shoes are making a come back

ROME:   Fabulous. I speared three people who were trying to steal my sale items when I wore my last pair

DALLAS: And they great thing is you can then kick them to the curb afterwards

ROME: Which is only what they deserved

DALLAS: Indeed. Although I did come a bit unstuck later on. Not to be used for the kinky stuff

ROME: Is that so?

DALLAS: Yes my boyfriend’s left testicle looks like Sponge Bob

ROME: Ah another “fashion victim”.

DALLAS: Was that a joke?

ROME: I’m not sure. But I’m certainly not smiling over it. Oh my, look at that dress

DALLAS: It’s exquisite

ROME: Quite, such an unusual fabric

DALLAS: Apparently it’s made of meat

ROME: Like Lady Gaga’s dress

DALLAS: Exactly

ROME: I must have it! It’s sure to be a hit with Tatler

DALLAS: And you will be the biggest hit of all!

ROME: Most likely

DALLAS: You don’t think the meat may attract the dogs?

ROME: Oh no, my chihuahua’s gave up meat long ago, and gluten, dairy, sugar etc. I’m sure the Battersea Dogs Home has a similar policy

DALLAS: And how are the little dears?

ROME: Well annoyingly one went and died in my favourite Hermes handbag, little blighter. Haven’t seen the others in a while

A Super Team

Batman: Wonder Woman why have you called us all together?

Wonder Woman: Because Batman I believe we must combine forces to defeat the evil Penguin. You still got that throat infection?

Superman: You needn’t worry, I’ll take care of it.

Wonder Woman: Fisherman’s Friend?

Superman: I’m talking about the Penguin

Wonder Woman: He owns Kryptonite

Spiderman: Don’t worry Superman, I’m your friendly neighbourhood spider and can back you up

Superman: Ha so not required

Batman: The penguin is my villain, it’s my parents he killed

Superman: Well at least you knew your parents

Spiderman: Mine were murdered too

Wonder Woman: Mine were great and had to be as all psychologically scarred women are villains

Batman: True, I should have realized since I dated most of them. But then I was troubled and lonely in a dark and dangerous world

Superman: At least you belong to this world. Do you know how often I wondered if all my bits looked human? Would I crush my girlfriends with my super molecular structure? And why did I look like you and breathe oxygen coming from a planet that didn’t have a single goddam tree!

Spiderman: I had problems too. I was bullied for being a nerd, with only an aging Aunt and Uncle to guide me. One of whom was murdered, as if my parents weren’t enough

Batman: Geek chic is all the rage.  I only had a single butler who was strangely good with gadgets

Superman: And shedloads of money

Batman: Which is pretty mandatory when you aren’t born with any superpowers. Do you know how many instruction manuals I’ve had to read?

Wonder Woman: You read the instructions?

Batman: Had to, ever since I electrocuted the meat and veg

Spiderman: Ouch

Wonder Woman: The suit works. Inbuilt muscles?

Superman: We’re all in tight lycra. Showing these ripped and bulging muscles just makes me feel like a piece of meat

Spiderman: I need a codpiece

Wonder Woman: Think that’s rough? Try blow drying your hair into this fabulous style whilst twirling round in under ten seconds. It takes work. Don’t even get me started on fighting cellulite.

Superman: Phone Booths don’t exist anymore. I got my head stuck in my tights in a toilet cubicle that no one had flushed in hours

Batman: You didn’t think to flush it?

Superman: I probably should have

Spiderman: Ain’t hindsight grand?

Wonder Woman: So are we going to defeat the evil Penguin or are we going to delve into our childhoods once more?

Batman: It was a dark and solitary time. You just can’t brush it under the carpet like it doesn’t exist.

Spiderman: It formed the man I am today

Superman: And the man I hope to be. I relate to the misfits who don’t quite feel they belong

Wonder Woman: And yet you’re all handsome, tall, caucasian and brought up by someone who cared about you.

Superman: Meaning?

Wonder Woman: Some people might say you won the jackpot

Spiderman: If we’d been short, deformed and ugly we wouldn’t be the hero’s we are today

Batman: and that’s why the Penguin has to die

Wonder Woman: No it’s because he’s evil

Superman: Yes that too. There really is no place for him in this world

Spiderman: Wonder why he chose a penguin? Not exactly known for killing are they?   How did bears become cuddly?

Batman: While you ponder that Spiderman, I have a job to do.

Superman: Too late, I’ve captured him.

Batman: When?

Superman: Just now when Spiderman was dithering

Spiderman: I was pondering

Batman: He was my villain damn you

Superman: You can take the next one

Wonder Woman: That would be Lex Luther

Batman: I’m on it. Where is he?

Superman: Russia

Batman: Hmm the cost of fuel…

Spiderman: And global warming

Superman: I’d better go

Batman: Sure. I’ll get the one after that

Spiderman: I hope he’s in Gotham

Batman: Me too. The team works well

Wonder Woman: Good old Superman. Got to go guys, my onesie needs me

Spiderman: Thanks Wonder Woman.

Batman: You were testing out your codpiece weren’t you

Spiderman: I thought it didn’t show

Batman: It kind of deflated after the onesie comment

Henry VIII – The most desperate King?

Henry: Walk with me advisors, whatever names you own

Simon: I am Simon your Worshipfulness. Simon of the Seven Sceptres.   I fought with you at the battle of Boulogne. I am honoured to be walking at your side

Henry: By my side? Get back you foul smelling miscreant

Stanley: I’m Stanley. I’ve merely served 17 years at court however Stanley is quite long to remember at two syllables.

Henry: Silence fool!. I want to know how I’m viewed by my people after that unfortunate incident with the tomato

Stanley: That was accidental Sire, I saw the lady trip myself which sent the officious vegetable flying

Simon: To be sure, your people adore you Sire. They gaze at you longingly, hoping for any projection of spittle that might pass your lips. Your battles, all victorious

Stanley: And your glorious search for marital bliss, endless

Henry: Witches all of them. Plus a few slipped the block.  You think I’ll be remembered for them?

Stanley: No Sire. It was a mere situational peculiarity

Henry: Indeed. I was greatly wronged

Simon: Heart wrenching for such a glorious leader. The Rays of God himself shine joyously upon your shining visage

Henry: It is true.  I was called Adonis, fair of calf.

Stanley: Indeed Sire. A long time ago

Henry: Not so long ago

Simon: No Sire, thou art fair of calf and muscular still

Stanley: No one will ever wonder how such fair calves support such a grand frame.

Henry: Grand indeed

Simon: And such a glorious thatch of red hair

Stanley: that shines like the most succulent of carrots.

Henry: Hmmm enough. I want to be known as a fair and wise king, not just devastatingly handsome. All must come to love me such that echoing my names makes babes weep that they will never know my grandeur.

Simon: And your humility

Henry: That too

Stanley: Piety

Henry: ah yes, I do pray to God.  It isn’t cursing

Simon: Charity

Henry: At times. To my friends. Such wonderful parties.

Stanley: Insightful

Henry: In many ways

Stanley: Yes sire.   Material possessions will never nourish the soul

Henry: Quite so

Stanley: Indeed Sire how your people rejoice for the treasury that flourishes like a field of golden daffodils, Ruby roses, and sapphire bluebells. A glory of colour

Henry: A beautiful picture, kept safely with me

Simon: And the love your people bear you Sire

Stanley: Is the strength of a glorious candle flame that flickers on the raft of a stormy ocean

Henry: You think me stupid boy? I could easily extinguish you too

Simon: He meant the strength of the ocean your Majesty

Stanley: Indeed. My expression was not quite accurate Sire, from the depths of my soul I apologise

Henry: You tire me. Leave

Stanley: Yes Sir

FX: Door closes

Simon: You could have got us killed. Bloody candle!

Stanley: Yes it was stupid of me

Simon: It’s dangerous to be so careless, we must not speak our minds

Stanley: Indeed only to each other must we acknowledge that King Henry ‘s most memorable feat is the lengths he went, to get a shag from the Boleyn woman

Simon: An entire nation in turmoil. If only he’d been satisfied with Good Time Gertie from the Fish and Spear

Stanley: As fine a filly as any. And you get used to the scratching after a month or so

Automation Failure

FX:  A man groans in anguish. Telephone buttons are pushed.

FX:  Ring Ring

Phone: Hello, you are through to the Samaritans.

Man: Thank God, look I really need to talk to…

Phone: If you would like to voice a complaint about Brexit, Southern Trains, middle aged men in skinny jeans please press one.

Man: Ah what?

Phone: If you are having difficulty with your family or partner please press 2. If you are full of despair, please press 3.


Man:  Please I need to talk to…

Phone: Thank you for phoning the Samaritans. So that we can identify you please let us know the second to last letter of your mothers maiden name.

Man: You’re not supposed to know me.  Isn’t that the point?

Phone:  To speak to an advisor we recommend that you provide the second last letter of your mothers maiden name.

Man: Oh for Pete’s sake


Man: Now look I need to talk to…

Phone:  That is the incorrect letter.

Man: (angrily) No it’s not!

Phone:  Yes it is. Please try again and if unsuccessful please press 4,5 or 6 hashtag semi colon 9.


Phone: You pressed 4.

Man:  Yes I did, can I speak to someone now?

Phone:  Please try pressing the off button for 10 seconds on the phone to reboot it.  If that is not the answer you were looking for please try 6 hashtag semi colon 9.

Man: Oh for the love of…

FX: Beep beep beep beep

Man:  Hello, am I through now?

Phone: For quality and training purposes this call may be recorded. Please note that we will never disclose any of your personal details to the sun, the daily mail, or any other tabloid, unless it’s in the public interest to know.

Man:  (Despairingly). Please I need to talk to someone.

Phone: Sorry, due to high call turnover you are now 5th in the queue, but your phone call is very important to us, so please stay on the line and we will try to connect you as soon as possible.

FX: Theme tune to Rainbow.

Man:  Oh my God. He sighs.

FX:  The music stops.

Man:  Hello hello are you there now?

FX:  The music starts up again.  

Man: Gees you son’s of…

FX: The music stops.

Man: Ah Thank God, hello is there anyone there?

Phone:  Did you know at the Samaritans we now have an automated chat room where you can get hold of us at any time, twenty four seven.

Man: (yelling) I don’t care.  Please let me talk to somebody.

Phone: Thank you for phoning the Samaritans, if there is anything else we can do, please press 12 on your telephone keypad, otherwise you may disconnect.

Man: What?

FX: Call is disconnected


FX: Phone is bashed into many small pieces.

Man:  O.K.  I think that worked.  Feeling better already.

How to get promoted….

FX:  Plastic drawer slams shut

Candida: Hi Darren. Have you broken the copier again?

Darren: No. It broke itself

Candida: As they do. Hey did you hear about Paul?

Darren: No

Candida: He got a promotion

Darren: What? How?

Candida: His Grandmother sold on ebay

Darren: Why that good for nothing…. I put my youngest on and didn’t get a single bid

Candida: Yeah, but she was wearing her new support stockings so she was looking pretty sharp. I’ve met your youngest

Darren: True. Not enough company commitment on my part

FX: The drawer slams again

Candida: At least you didn’t change your name to the bosses daughter.   I should have checked out what Candida was

Darren: Dreadful choice. She’s changed it now to Kay.

Candida: Well that’s no good. Not with a surname Syrah

Darren: Apt since we just got passed over

Candida: Not necessarily. I have a plan.

Darren: Oh yes? Me too.

Candida: I’m thinking of starting a rumour that Paul is selling secrets to our biggest competitor

Darren: Good idea. Who is our biggest competitor?

Candida: I don’t know

Darren: You’re Head of Marketing

Candida: Your point?

Darren: Why would the boss care if Paul is selling secrets to a company he wasn’t sure was his biggest competitor

Candida: Don’t get technical with me

Darren: My plan is better

Candida: The religion plan? I thought you said the synagogue had banned you

Darren: They suspected my motives. Yiddish/Gibberish, all the same to me

Candida: They had a point

Darren: So I’ve changed my tactic

Boss: Ah Darren, there you are. What a lovely surprise

Darren: Thank you boss, glad you liked it

Boss: Decking out my office in rose petals, and making swans from my napkins. Very thoughtful. The hot tub was possibly a bit far but come and see me later

Darren: With pleasure

Candida: Ah do you need to see me too Boss?

Boss: No I don’t think so

Candida: So I guess Darren, you’re forgiven for killing Flossie?

Boss: What you killed Flossie? My only cat?

Darren: Er no.

Candida: How could you not know Darren, that isn’t very loyal of you

Boss: Flossie young man, was my poor sick cat. I congratulate you, saved me a fortune in vets fees

Candida: Excuse me?  Sorry Boss, it was me that accidentally killed your cat

Boss: What were you doing at my house?

Candida: Er delivering a report

Boss: You’ve never given me a report.   And you did a fairly messy job of scraping Flossie from the tyre

Candida: It was done with love Boss. Why is it OK if Darren killed Flossie but not me?

Boss: Because you try to succeed by pulling others down

Darren: Exactly, you don’t blow nearly enough smoke up the bosses…

Candida: I will try boss. Whatever it takes

Boss: Take a look at Darren. He tried religion and found his true calling

Darren: I did. The bosses image in a gold idol. I’m a true believer

Boss: Excellent spirit Darren, the ceremonial robes a nice touch. Goodbye Candida, pick up your things on the way out

Candida: Please give me another chance

Boss: With Darren by my side, I believe I can fly

Darren: And you can Master, you have the force

Boss: I do, I do have the force

Candida: Yes the force of all that smoke causing wind!  I’m off, but you’ll never get away with this. I haven’t played my trump card yet

FX: Door slams

Boss: Hmm do we have reason to be worried Darren?

Darren: No Sir. I know she has a weapon of mass destruction but I am sure you can transcend such things

Boss: Ah. Yes I probably can.  But I’m concerned about you Darren

Darren: You needn’t be, my atoms are here to serve

Boss: And that is why you are my number 2

Darren: Why Master what an honour. I shall be the biggest and best number 2 that was ever polished.

Boss: I’m sure you will

Darren: So erm.  Delicate matter, what pay rise would I receive?

Boss:  You mean serving me isn’t enough reward in itself?

Darren: But of course, only…

Boss: Then it’s sorted then.

Apple a day…

DOCTOR: Mr Turnbull, can you please come into the surgery.

MR TURBULL 1: Yes Doctor.

DOCTOR: Do have a seat.

FX: A door closes. A squeaky chair is sat on.

DOCTOR: Well we’ve done blood tests, an MRI and ultra sound and we now have an official diagnosis.

MR TURNBULL 1:  Yes Doctor?

DOCTOR: It would appear that you have two heads.

MR TURNBULL 2: ah der

Doctor: (sternly) Who said that? Ah there you are. I didn’t see you when you weren’t looking at me.

MR TURNBULL 1: With all due respect Doctor, I would have thought that was obvious

DOCTOR: Don’t be arrogant with me young man I’m the professional here.

MR TURNBULL 2: Well can e’ go? I want rid o’ im.

DOCTOR: What? amputate?


DOCTOR:  Well I hadn’t considered that. Are you fully aware how messy that’s going to be? It’s a lot of blood you know. Someone might trip.

MR TURNBULL 2: Appy to take em for a ride. E has to go.

MR TURNBULL 1: Shut up, you should. And where’d you pick that ridiculous accent up from?

MR TURNBULL 2:  Arrr arrr

FX:  Sound of gnashing teeth and then a slap.


MR TURNBULL 1:  Serves you right for trying to bite me.

DOCTOR:  (sternly) Mr Turnbull please. This is a house of medicine.

MR TURNBULL 1: Sorry Doctor, he gets out of control sometimes.

DOCTOR:  Hmmm well I will have to look into the procedure and see who isn’t on holiday to do it. That includes public holidays and general days of feeling a bit peaky. You meanwhile have to decide which head to lose.

MR TURNBULL 2: I ‘ave to stay as I’m the bigger head.

MR TURNBULL 1: But the smaller brain.

FX:  Sound of gnashing teeth and then a slap.

DOCTOR:  Mr Turnbull if you don’t control yourself I am going to send you to the Proctologist as punishment.

MR TURNBULL 1: We’ve already seen him, seems I talk down there as well.

MR TURNBULL 2: Aye Barry’s me friend, despite his breath.

DOCTOR:  Yes well. It’s a common complaint. Before I look into it are you sure about surgery? Surely 2 heads are better than 1.

MR TURNBULL 1: Not if I’m stuck with him. You should see his taste in women.

MR TURNBULL 2:  At least I like women.

DOCTOR:  Interesting. Well you’d better go Mr Turnbull, you have some thinking to do.

MR TURNBULL 2: Bit of a no brainer.

MR TURNBULL 1: He was asking us both.

FX:  A very unpleasant sound.

DOCTOR: My word! What was that?

MR TURNBULL 2: Barry’s vote’s wi me.